Ben and Me_ From Temperance to Humility - Cameron Gunn [89]
You’ve Got Mail
Chastity was moving up in the favorite virtue sweepstakes. Though it was a work in progress, I was already seeing the benefits. A greater concentration on my marriage was paying early dividends. I needed to keep up the pace.
A bit of inspiration hit me while I sat idly at my desk. I decided to send Michelle a message thanking her for the conversation from the night before. I composed a short note and sent it, via email, to our home computer. Here is what I wrote:
Hi
I enjoyed our talk last night. You’re absolutely right that we need to sit down and talk more often.
We are raising a beautiful family and have a great life but we need to make sure that by the time our kids leave we are not strangers to each other. We should set aside time every week for each other.
Thanks for being a great wife and a great mother.
Love
Your Husband
Now, I should point out that a note like this could go either way. You’ve met my wife. She is a practical woman with plenty of experience with me. Instead of the legitimate and sincere note of love that I intended this to be, she might view it as the first salvo in a battle to obtain some marital pass, like a golf weekend—I am not above such chicanery. For several hours I received nothing in reply, and I feared the worst. Did she see mischief in my intentions? Was she angry that I had ruined the spirit of the previous evening? Was she suspicious that this had something to do with the book and was offended at seeing our personal life as fodder for my stumbling efforts at virtue (which, of course, it was—though I sincerely meant what I said and my purpose was noble)? Had she even checked the email? Finally, near the end of the workday, I received this reply:
Hey Cameron,
Surprised to get an email from you. I had fun too but the next time only one glass of wine for me or maybe a corona on a hot day. You’re the best even though I give you a hard time.
Love ya, Michelle
Wow! That was exactly the response I had hoped for. I had made her happy. This Chastity thing was too easy. Given my experience with the virtues to this point, I should have known I was too smug. Fate can’t let such an opportunity pass it by. I was in for yet another lesson.
The secret of Ben Franklin’s system, as I thought from the beginning, is that it encourages the forming of new habits. The concentration on one virtue to the near exclusion of others builds a sort of virtuous muscle memory. You get so used to doing something that it becomes natural, almost instinctive. The problem with that formula is that you actually have to do the thing (or not do it, as the case may be) to form the habit. The foot must, most decidedly, remain on the gas. No coasting in this exercise. I should have learned that from Tranquillity. Yet as with the last virtue, once I started to feel good about myself, I took the virtue for granted. I started to coast.
As with the problems I had encountered in the late stages of the other virtues, I blame my early success. Like a hockey team that gets up a few goals on an opponent, I decided to play more conservatively. Wait out the clock and celebrate the victory. Maybe it was just the nature of my life. Remember, I am Mr. In-Between. I am not a risk taker.
On Wednesday, I had made a long-standing commitment to play a friendly game of poker with some friends after the kids went to bed. That was my first mistake. Michelle is not opposed to poker. Indeed, she likes me to have fun with my buddies. She hates it, however, when I lose (and when you play poker like I do, loss is an inevitability). Even the loss of twenty bucks (my maximum) sticks in her craw. That turns poker from harmless amusement to a gratuitous drain on family finances.
I’m sure quite a few of you are shaking your heads (and not for the first time), thinking, “What