Bermuda Shorts - James Patterson [0]
—Rick Walter
Bermuda Shorts are, literally, a pair of pants. Not the colorful, lively printed trunks you associate with Hawaiian style beachwear, but a pair of slacks, just shorter, what one might call casual formal wear.
Bermuda Shorts is the perfect metaphor for James J. Patterson’s fundamentally serious but playful literary style. And this casual approach to serious issues is what makes this writer so accessible. His advice for the lovelorn? Stay out of The Conjecture Chamber. What should we call mankind’s sad inclination to destroy that which is beautiful? Beauticide. What has happened to American Culture? It suffers from Theater-Phobia. How to solve the world’s toxic waste and nuclear contamination problems? Throw it all at the sun!
Patterson writes like the lovechild of Henry Miller and Mary Karr, with all the contradictions that implies; a philosopher who thinks best over a fine bottle of wine; an ex-Catholic still haunted by the image of the crucifixion; an irreverent political satirist whose patriotism flies the flag of another iconoclast, Thomas Paine.
“This isn’t romance. It’s a way of looking at the world”
—JJP
“The Conjecture Chamber” first appeared in Stress City: A Big Book of Fiction by 51 DC Guys (Paycock Press, 2008); “The International Aeronautical Sanitation Administration,” “Gordo, God & Gandhi,” and “Something Out of Nothing” appeared in a slightly altered form in WordWrights Magazine. “Gabbing with O’Reilly,” “The Myth of the Casual Fan, “The Mayor of 417,” “The Nearest Thing to Perfection,” and “I Study the Crowds” appeared in SportsFan Magazine. “I Am a 9-10er” and “Walter Johnson: Baseball’s Big Train” first appeared on SportsFanMagazine.com. “The Conversation We Are Born Into” appeared on www.JamesJPatterson.com.
Bermuda Shorts is published by Alan Squire Publishing in association with Left Coast Writers and The Sante Fe Writers Project.
©2010 Alan Squire Publishing
All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, online, radio, or television reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher (www.AlanSquirePublishing.com).
ISBN: 978-0-9826251-2-5
Cover painting by Rose Solari and Sandra Bracken.
Jacket design by Randy Stanard, DeWitt Designs, www.dewittdesigns.com.
Back cover photo by Rose Solari.
Inside jacket photo by Zak Patterson.
Copy editing and interior design by Nita Congress.
Printed by Proforma Printing Services, Oakland, CA.
Visit www.JamesJPatterson.com.
First edition
Ordo Vagorum
For Rose Solari, Al Johnson, and Joanna Biggar
Chaos is the score upon which reality is written. —Henry Miller
The writer’s role is to menace the public’s conscience. —Rod Serling
I will have no man in my boat who is not afraid of a whale! —Starbuck
Contents
Foreword
Acknowledgments
The Reluctant Scholar
The Lovesick Lake
Sculpture Isn’t…
Huidekoper
That Was Then, This Is The Pheromones
Bombs or No Bombs, Business as Usual
Gordo, God & Gandhi
The Conjecture Chamber
My Haunted Crucifix
The International Aeronautical Sanitation Administration
It Isn’t Whether You Win or Lose, It’s How You Watch the Game
Gabbing with O’Reilly
I Study the Crowds
The Mayor of 417
The Nearest Thing to Perfection
The Myth of the Casual Fan
Walter Johnson: Baseball’s Big Train
I Am a 9-10er
Pierian Dreams
The Conversation We Are Born Into
Don’t Answer the Phone!