Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [19]
Rachel had a premonition that Julie’s relationship with Rob wouldn’t last, but she never suspected that their friendship would become history too. Julie had been her closest college chum and she genuinely cared about her as much as she cared for her family members. She hesitated blurting out the honest truth about Rob because the last thing she wanted to do was to hurt Julie. In fact, Rachel went out of her way to protect her, supporting her decisions while worrying privately about her friend’s well-being. Rachel felt like she never had done anything so heinous that warranted Julie shutting her out of her life. Given the chance, she would have been able to understand Julie’s ambivalence given the strong feelings she had for Rob.
Even so, why hadn’t Julie called after she split with Rob? Rachel suspects that Julie couldn’t handle the humiliation of her friend, or anyone else, knowing that she had thrown herself at Rob, only to be rejected over and over. Or maybe Julie was harboring a grudge against Rachel for not being more assertive in warning her about Rob’s infidelity. Perhaps somewhere in her heart, Julie felt that Rachel betrayed her by not taking a different stance. Of course, Rachel will never know, since Julie totally cut her off without communication.
Rachel’s worst fear about her ex-friendship, which she still worries about six years later, is that Julie never gives a moment’s thought to Rachel or the close relationship they once had. Unlike romantic breakups, there’s no standard protocol for a hemorrhaging friendship that obliges the dumper to be chivalrous or kind—to offer the courtesy of polite parting words, an explanation, or an apology to the friend she is leaving. As a result, the dumpee almost never has closure about a failed relationship. Most likely, Rachel will never know why she was dumped or what Julie was thinking; she’ll just have to get over it on her own.
When friendships fracture abruptly, the hurt is palpable—especially if you can’t pinpoint exactly when, how, or why how it occurred. If you are in the midst of such a breakup now, you may be feeling vulnerable, angry, guilty, or depressed. Given the significance that intimate friendships play in the lives of women, the intensity and duration of the feelings are easy to understand—at least, by other women.
Rachel was depressed for months, clinging to the thought that Julie would one day call her, tell her what happened, and apologize for the silence. When that never happened, the void she felt was even more painful than when she had broken up with boyfriends in the past. Julie was her confidante; she knew everything about her. They were used to spending so much time together that they could almost read each other’s thoughts.
Although the psychic wounds remain, Rachel now accepts that the friendship is truly over and she has to move on. She still feels hurt when she catches a glimpse of her ex-friend in the neighborhood, and goes out of her way to avoid places where she might run into Julie. The experience has made her question her own worthiness as a friend. It also has raised other questions in her mind: Is she capable of being a good friend? Is she worthy of close friendships? Will other friendships similarly fade away? Can she trust again? Clearly, she hasn’t been ableto move past the loss.
WHY FRIENDSHIPS FADE AND FRACTURE
When friendships fall apart, they end for different reasons and in a variety of ways. Sometimes the ending is one-sided, as happened to Rachel and Julie. Other times, two friends mutually decide that the friendship is over, perhaps because of a blowup, disappointment, or because they have simply grown apart.
Frequently, a friendship dump hinges on something the dumpee said, something she did, or something she didn’t do or say—a small matter that might have been patched up at other times, but which, for reasons of her own, the dumper cannot make herself face at the moment