Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [25]
Of course, her best friend’s negative opinions about Warren gave Cherise some cause for concern, but she was certain she knew him a heck of a lot better than Betsy did. He was extremely capable and bright, and she was sure he would eventually find a satisfying career path. She loved his easygoing nature, his generosity, and that he was always doting on her. She was so in love that she was nearly blind to any of his imperfections. When Betsy repeatedly reminded her of these shortcomings, Cherise dismissed them as a product of her friend’s envy.
Despite Betsy’s admonitions, Cherise married Warren. He turned out to be a diligent worker who went on to law school at night to become a trial attorney. Betsy, who was unwilling to settle for a man who wasn’t perfect, never married. Cherise and Warren had a child, and for the next five years, Warren was frantically busy, either working part-time in the drugstore or glued to his law books.
With lots of time on her hands, Cherise began what turned out to be a long-term extramarital affair. Betsy began to pull away. “She didn’t approve of my affair,” says Cherise. “I was involved with my high school sweetheart, a boy she hated intensely in high school, whom she didn’t trust then and didn’t trust now. She might have been jealous that I seemingly had it all, a great husband, great life, didn’t have to work, nice kid, beautiful house . . . and a man on the side.”
Cherise received a three-page, single-spaced typewritten letter in the mail from Betsy telling her that she could no longer be her friend. “This was after twenty-nine years of friendship!” exclaims Cherise. “I reread the letter to make sure of what I was reading, immediately shredded it, and we have not had contact with each other since. I was disappointed that she had put moral boundaries on our friendship, whereas I never did.”
Cherise was more angered than hurt. She was brought up to believe that a best friend never judges: “A best friend knows how to keep a secret, and you keep hers.” Betsy had a distinctly different opinion about the role of best friends: She thought that she was doing right by Cherise by showing her “tough love,” trying to send her a wake-up call because Cherise was behaving in ways that seemed self-destructive and potentially hurtful to her family. She believed that a good friend has a responsibility to call her friend on the things she can’t see or doesn’t want to hear.
Like Cherise and Betsy, women fall on both sides of the fence, and a clash of values about the roles and responsibilities of friends can be divisive. Differences in religious views, attitudes towards money, parenting styles, and even discrepant political views can divide friends. During the polarizing presidential election campaign in 2008, the politics and values of the two candidates were so discrepant that many people had to face the issue of whether or not they could remain friends with those who backed the other candidate.
Speaking Out: When Candor Is Called For
• Your friend is self-destructive or being abusive to someone else.
• She is being abused.
• Her health, emotional well-being, or safety is at risk.
• She is breaking the law and putting herself in legal jeopardy.
• She is compromising your integrity or reputation (by asking you to do something dishonest or illegal).
• You just can’t take it anymore.
BETRAYALS
A betrayal sets the stage for a particularly painful ending because it is a moral lapse directed at you. Being betrayed by a friend whom you once considered an intimate is as jolting as being rear-ended at a stoplight. Such was the case for Linda, now