Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [27]
What Not to Talk About:
If a friend consistently says the wrong things (e.g., criticizing your appearance or taking every opportunity to make an undercutting jab) or talks too much about certain subjects, it may place a friendship at risk. Here are some topics that call for discretion:
• Money: It’s generally uncomfortable for people to talk about the nitty-gritty of how much they make, how much they owe, or how much they spend—so if you choose to, make sure your friend is as comfortable doing so as you are. Sizeable disparities in income between women (or their families) are likely to increase the odds of an uncomfortable discussion. Yes, you can mention getting a salary increase or losing money on your stock portfolio, but it’s best not to dwell on dollar amounts unless you are business partners.
• Other people: Gossip can be an immediate friendship killer. Be extremely cautious about talking about your friend behind her back, particularly if it is unfavorably. A good general rule: don’t repeat or say anything that you would not want to get back to your friend. Don’t put down her friends or relatives; you can criticize their behaviors without tearing them apart as individuals.
• An excess of success: Friends like to share in each other’s successes (as well in the successes of their significant others) but when it reaches the threshold that might be considered bragging, be cautious. Use judgment in talking about your son’s grades if your friend’s son is struggling. Don’t talk about your designer handbag if she does all her shopping in thrift shops.
• Dating problems: Adolescent girls love to share stories about guys. In doing so, they provide each other with advice, support, and confidence—and are able to resolve problems and worries. But there can be too much of a good thing. Psychologist Amanda Rose of the University of Missouri-Columbia has done research on the problem of co-rumination: the problem of talking too much about anything. Specifically, she found that when girls rehash their problems excessively, it leads to depression, anxiety, and a sense of hopelessness.
NOT KEEPING A PROMISE
Another woman, Missy, age 20, told me the story of her friendship with Georgia. During their senior year in high school, Georgia met a man online who lived in Pennsylvania. They began e-mailing and texting regularly. Missy was sure that once the two girlfriends moved into their dorm at Syracuse University, Georgia would meet guys on campus and this virtual relationship would be over.
That didn’t happen. In November, over the Thanksgiving holiday, Georgia flew to Pennsylvania without even telling Missy. “She married the Internet boyfriend within two weeks of meeting him and never returned to finish school,” says Missy. It was impossible for her to understand how an intelligent woman could abandon her plans and goals for the future for a relationship with a man she hardly knew. “I felt like it was a betrayal to me as well as to her,” says Missy. After several months, the friendship between the women was history.
Although it may have never been discussed explicitly, Missy assumed she and Georgia had made a pact. They would be roommates throughout their four years of college—or at least through the first semester. When Georgia doused their plans, Missy felt as if she was abandoned for a boyfriend Georgia barely knew. It made her wonder if she really knew Georgia at all.
Promises can be explicit or implicit (like the one between Georgia and Missy). Although a promise between two friends is usually an honest expression of affection and closeness when it is made, it may lose currency over time. For example, two friends may promise to stay single, but then one meets her mate. Or two women may promise to have children at the same time, but one suddenly finds herself pregnant. Because