Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [3]
I do have a remarkably indestructible bond with an elementary school teacher who has remained my mentor and friend for nearly fifty years. Somehow, our friendship has that special ingredient that makes it stick while so many others have dissolved. I know I am lucky to have her, and her continued presence in my life is proof that some friendships are forever. So what is it about our friendship that makes it invulnerable to the strange and unpredictable factors that have broken up other relationships?
Most women have more questions than answers when they begin to dissect their friendships, past and present. For example:
• Why does the nature of a friendship change over its lifespan?
• Is it wrong to rely solely on one or two best friends?
• Is it wrong to end friendships that feel toxic? How can I do so without being vicious?
• Once hurt, will I ever be able to open up to another friend again in the same way?
• Do all women suffer the same pain when a close friendship falls apart?
• Is it sacrilegious to sacrifice time from work and family to make more time for friends?
• Since it’s so hard to talk about a lost friendship with other girlfriends, what approaches can I use to heal from such a loss?
Trained as a clinical psychologist, I am a keen observer of human behavior. In addition, I’ve immersed myself in studying and collecting data about female friendships, but even I can’t claim to have all the correct answers to these difficult questions. Human emotions are fascinating and complicated, and every single friendship has unique hallmarks, like fingerprints, that set that particular relationship apart from any other in the world. Although there is infinite variation and no universal rules, I’ve come to realize that there are some guidelines that can help us understand damaged relationships and begin the healing process.
To learn about these issues, I developed a dialogue with real experts: other women. When I posted a survey on the Internet asking women to share stories of their close friendships, I was overwhelmed by the number who responded, by their need to express themselves, and by their candor. As long as I promised anonymity, women were willing to tell their stories and disclose their secrets uncensored. Within months, more than 1,500 women—ranging from those in their teens to those in their seventies—completed the Fractured Friendships survey, expressing the mix of intense feelings enmeshed in these relationships. Thus, this book has been informed by the rich outpouring of anecdotes from women of different ages, racial and ethnic backgrounds, and ways of life.
Donna was one such woman who shared her story with me. She and her friend Gayle, now both 45, were “bosom buddies” until their mid-twenties. From the time they first met in a college English class, they felt completely comfortable with each other and were almost inseparable. Not only did they become best pals, they were also roomies. They shared each other’s clothes and commingled their dirty underwear in the same laundry basket. “We viewed life the same way and laughed at the same stuff,” says Donna. “We saw each other through some truly interesting life experiences (not all good, of course), bad bosses, near-poverty, boyfriends, family issues, etc.,” she says. They even worked together for several years at two different companies. Donna could never imagine the relationship coming to an end because, for as long as they knew each other, they never even had a squabble.
By their sophomore year, Gayle had gotten involved with a wealthy guy who was