Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [30]
PERSONAL JEALOUSIES
Some friendships end because a new person enters the picture and changes the dynamics of a preexisting friendship. The third person may be male or female; the new relationship may be romantic or platonic. It can even be an infant that consumes a new mother’s time. Whatever form it takes, the change is significant enough to upset the precarious balance of a friendship and makes it less viable.
RELEGATED TO “JUST A FRIEND”
The promise of romance, love, and desire is often so strong that women disappoint and drop close or long-term female friends in favor of what often turns out to be a transitory relationship with a guy. This is particularly painful when two women are attracted to the same person—possibly a lover, partner, or spouse—and one comes out on top. It can destabilize and split the relationship between the two females.
Avoiding a Blowup
• Breathe deeply.
• Step back.
• Take a break.
• Don’t allow an accumulation of little hurts to add up—instead, try to address them as they come up.
• Think about what you are going to say before you blurt it out. Rehearse it in your mind or with someone you trust to see how it goes.
• Give your friend a chance to express her point of view.
• Give her a chance to recoup afterwards.
Often it’s surprising and hurtful when a very good friend suddenly prioritizes a potential lover over us, but the situation is hardly uncommon, even among the closest friends. Sometimes it’s a matter of not knowing exactly where our friend stands on the importance of romance versus the importance of friendship; sometimes it is simply giddiness about the prospect of romance that blinds us to how we are hurting our friend in the process of pursuing it. Sue recently broke up with a guy she was dating because the relationship didn’t seem to be going anywhere. During the time the two had been seeing each other, she had introduced her boyfriend to quite a few of her female friends. One girlfriend, in particular, was having a difficult time, so Sue tried to include her in things she did with her boyfriend. “She became friendly with my ex, but they only knew each other through me,” says Sue.
Soon after the split and before the proverbial body was cold, the girlfriend called Sue to see if it was okay for her to go skiing with Sue’s ex, who had now invited her on the trip they had planned as a threesome. “I told her she could do whatever she wanted, but I found the whole thing inappropriate,” says Sue.
After thinking about the call for several days, Sue couldn’t believe that her friend had been insensitive enough to ask her. She expected more from her girlfriend than she did of her ex. Even though she had broken up with her boyfriend, she still felt disappointment that the relationship didn’t work out the way she had hoped it would. With this transgression, Sue no longer trusted either of them and decided to make her girlfriend an “ex” too.
Another instance of how a romance can kill a friendship is that of Nicole and Lacey. The two women met soon after they both moved to the same town. They hit it off immediately. “We were both adrenaline junkies, partners in crime who enjoyed outdoor activities. Sometimes we thought of each other as twin sisters or maybe more like teenage brothers,” says Lacey, who is a lesbian.
Nicole was bisexual and the two women dated briefly. “Nicole wasn’t that interested and I decided to end it when she started avoiding me, although I would have preferred otherwise,” says Lacey. The two remained friends, but Lacey began to see a cruel side to her friend’s personality after they stopped dating. “She started to make condescending and dismissive remarks if I wanted to talk about what was bothering me about us.” If she met a new friend, Nicole would ask Lacey to sit in the back of her car so her new friend could sit in the passenger seat. Lacey felt as if she was being relegated to the rear of the