Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [38]
The reasons for some cutoffs are readily apparent and, for others, more elusive. You may realize that the two of you really weren’t a good fit to begin with or that your lifestyles or values had become too discrepant.
The jilter may simply be tired of her relationship with you—and may have found someone else or be looking for someone else with whom she prefers spending time. Time is finite, and she’s decided that you are no longer first on her speed dial. She may not be able to tolerate her jealousy towards you anymore; she feels that she can’t hold a candle to you in terms of your ability to attract partners or other female friends, succeed at work, handle your kids, or juggle it all. Or she may have decided that she is giving more than she is getting and that the relationship is no longer reciprocal; you are always asking for more than you are able to give. While you can speculate about a bunch of maybes, you may never be able to pinpoint precisely what’s happened.
STAGE 2 : LOSS
It’s natural to feel a sense of grief, loss, and pain when someone who was important in your life suddenly disappears. You are going to need time to heal, but be assured, you will, despite the challenges. In Randi’s case, Nicole was unnecessarily blunt and showed little consideration for her friend’s feelings in her kiss-off. In Stephanie’s situation, she had to face her once-best friend every time she went to work. Amy felt like she had invested so much of herself in mentoring Alexa, and was overlooked and unappreciated.
In situations such as these, the hurt runs very deep. Many women use the same language they use to describe the feelings of being jilted by a female friend as when they are jilted by a lover or abandoned by a husband. You may also experience physical symptoms: headaches, lost sleep, eating too much, eating too little, or trouble focusing. These symptoms can last for weeks, months, or even years.
Making the loss more stinging, disagreements or misunderstandings you may have had in the past fade into the background and you tend to selectively recall, idealize, and miss the positive aspects of your relationship: sharing feelings and confidences, having someone to bounce ideas off of, talking about your love lives or problems at the office, sharing clothes or recipes, IM-ing one another, getting her cell phone calls in surprising places (even in the ladies’ room), shopping and hunting down bargains at T.J. Maxx, just being together or not even being together physically, but knowing you are there for each other. Having a close friend makes a woman feel connected and less alone.
Memories of time spent together are marked by obsessive thoughts of what you could have possibly done to alienate her. The loss is so one-sided that it seems inexplicable, ripping at your self-confidence and playing havoc with your emotions. A cloud of confusion, guilt, and shame hangs over you. Aren’t friendships supposed to last forever? Was the friendship even real to begin with?
STAGE 3 : SELF-BLAME
Shock, denial, and loss are soon followed by self-blame and feelings of shame. You ask: What role did I play in bringing this friendship to an end? and What will others think of me when they hear that I’ve been dumped?
Although there is the tendency to blame yourself after the loss of a meaningful friendship, being dumped doesn’t necessarily mean you, or even your friend, did something wrong. Remember: Friendships are organic relationships that change when people change as a result of their various life experiences. Just like there are no-fault divorces and auto collisions, it isn’t necessary or helpful to assign blame or fault for the demise of a friendship. You may have changed, she may