Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [40]
Women have every reason to be anxious about what other women will think of them because of the stigma associated with lost friendships. It might be an innocuous remark like, “I usually see you with your friend Judy. Don’t the two of you see each other anymore?” And there is the additional concern of how the woman who initiated the breakup (your former friend) will portray the breakup to those around her.
The people around you may not understand that you had a falling-out that’s painful for you to explain and/or talk about, or they may not believe that you don’t quite know what happened yourself. Even the people “in your camp” may not fully believe your side of the story.
STAGE 5 : ANGER
Unless you are the one person who was totally responsible for the breakup (which isn’t often the case), before long, you’re bound to feel intensely angry and disappointed at what your girlfriend has done to you. You may say to yourself: I put up with her drama for so long and was always there when she needed me or How could she do this after all I’ve done for her? or The friendship wasn’t perfect but I hung in there. Isn’t that what friendship is about?
You trusted someone who ended up treating you like a doormat when she gave you no opportunity to weigh in on the decision to end the friendship. You are likely to be furious and wonder whether you can ever trust another woman enough to have a best friend again.
Even when they aren’t at fault, this is the stuff that drives women into psychotherapy to determine why they are so angry and what role they played in bringing this on or allowing it to happen. Some swallow pills to ease the unbearable anxiety, others run marathons, some drink a few too many cocktails, and some overdose on chocolate or whole pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream.
One way to deal with the anger is to stay active. Even if you aren’t a gym person, this is the time to work out or take long walks. It will relieve the stress and distract you from your loss. If you can’t do that, organize or de-clutter your home. Again, you’ll feel a sense of accomplishment and feel better about yourself. Meditate and practice forgiveness. You don’t necessarily have to condone your friend’s actions or leave her blameless, but you need to let go of your anger so it doesn’t gnaw at you.
The pain over being jilted and having had no say in the matter can last a very long time. It may interfere with future friendships or cause anger to seep out inappropriately, either in the workplace or at home. But with time, awareness, and understanding, the anger and sadness usually diminishes or dissipates completely.
STAGE 6 : ACCEPTANCE
It takes time to come to grips with a broken friendship and to let go of the anger—but it will happen. The more meaningful the friendship, the harder it will be and the longer it will take. Having had no say in the matter also makes it hard to accept the finality of your friend’s decision. Acceptance is a process.
Even after time has passed, you may wrestle with the notion of contacting the friend one last time to apologize or to find out what happened, even if you are sure you didn’t do anything wrong. If you are aware of something you did that led to the breakup or if your friend overtly blamed you for the fractured friendship, you may feel that the transgression wasn’t so egregious that it should have severed all ties between you, and feel a need to restate your case.
You may cling to the hope that you can rectify the problem and that she’ll realize that she’s blowing things out of proportion. You may hope that being brutally honest about your weaknesses, mistakes, or insecurities