Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [53]
Jeanne had gotten pregnant that summer and soon after found out that her boyfriend had been seeing her former best friend behind her back. She knew she didn’t want to go through with the pregnancy. She no longer trusted her boyfriend and wanted to complete her college education before she became a mother. Fearful of disappointing her Irish Catholic family, she arranged for an abortion and told no one but Maria.
“When we got to college, I realized why everyone else seemed to have reservations about Maria,” says Jeanne. “I found out she had shared my embarrassing secret with others. Everyone knew what had happened and it was like I was reliving that horrible time in my life. I was fearful it would get back to my family. I did-n’t give her a chance to explain and didn’t want to discuss it.” If she could no longer share intimacies with Maria, she no longer wanted her as a friend.
Cristina, 34, met her friend Rosa twelve years ago when they worked at the same bank. They became more than colleagues, eating lunch together each day and going shopping after work many evenings. Whenever they were together, they were never at a loss for words. When the branch office closed down and they found themselves working in separate locations, they still e-mailed each other and spoke every few weeks.
When Rosa became pregnant, Cristina (still seeing her boyfriend but not yet married) was thrilled to hear the news. She sent her mom-to-be cards before the baby was born and baby gifts afterwards. “When I got married and her baby was a month or two old, I never heard from her,” says Cristina. A few months later, Cristina made it a point to e-mail Rosa, just in case she hadn’t heard it through the grapevine. She wrote, “Did you know I got married two months ago?” There was no reply.
The silence was deafening. That she didn’t get as much as an e-mail acknowledging her big day hurt Cristina deeply. “I was crushed,” she said. When she confronted Rosa over the phone, her friend said that the stress of having a new baby justified her neglect. “I never forgave her, and that was seven years ago,” says Cristina. Although they didn’t see each other as often, Cristina still considered Rosa a very close friend.
Perhaps Cristina overreacted to what some might regard as a minor slight. But if a relationship is already tenuous, it’s easy for disappointments to pile on until they tip over.
Friendship Felonies
• Infidelity or any other breach of trust
• Theft
• Assault
• Humiliation
• Utter disregard for feelings
• Abandonment
5 : THE FRIENDSHIP SUCCUMBED TO ENVY
Because we are all different, it’s a natural instinct to compare ourselves to others. We tend to gauge ourselves by how we stack up against our friends and acquaintances along a variety of dimensions—for example, looks, intelligence, career success, wealth, material possessions, and social standing. Most times, we realize that these things balance themselves out; while our friend may have the luck to never put on an ounce of unwanted weight, we have a keen sense of style.
Women with low self-esteem or those who are depressed, however, tend to focus exclusively on their shortcomings and are bitter about what they perceive as the advantages or good fortune of others. Taken to an extreme, such an individual tends to be self-involved, hostile, and cutting. It’s natural to feel envy occasionally, but if this is a persistent pattern, it can signal a toxic friendship.
Jealousy vs. Envy
• Jealousy is an attitude of possessiveness when someone feels that a valued relationship is threatened. If your friend is possessive, she can’t stand the thought of you having any other friends and wants you to spend all your time with her.
• Envy is a broader concept that can include coveting another person’s characteristics