Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [95]
One woman told me that her most successful relationships were with friends, both male and female, who were almost a decade older than her. “Their wisdom and maturity is something I value,” she says. When she expressed her opinions or sought advice from these older friends, she felt that they were more genuine, responsive, and sensible than most of her peers. They also had more time to devote to friendships. In turn, her older friends must have been thrilled with the energy and openness that she brought to their lives. When the relationship works, it doesn’t take much time for two good friends to become completely unaware of the years between them.
There probably is a larger lesson that women can learn from friendships like these. All of your friends don’t have to be “just like you.” When we first meet someone, we are often put off by differences between us, whether it is age, race, ethnicity, or lifestyle. But if you are open to people and cast a wider net, you may find new friendships in unlikely places.
Nostalgia as an Antidote to Loneliness
A study published in Psychological Science (November 2008) suggests one instinctive response to feelings of loneliness and isolation is nostalgia. In four different studies, psychologists at the University of Southampton and Sun Yat-Sen University in Guangzhou, China looked at people from various walks of life, including schoolchildren, college students, and factory workers. They found that lonely people used nostalgia as a coping mechanism, drawing upon their sentimental memories of the past. The more lonely people were, the more nostalgic they tended to become as a way of increasing their self-perceived feeling of social support.
“Our findings show that nostalgia is a psychological resource that protects and fosters mental health,” says Dr. Tim Wildschut of the University of Southampton. “It strengthens feelings of social connectedness and belongingness, partially improving the harmful repercussions of loneliness. The past, when appropriately harnessed, can strengthen psychological resistance to the vicissitudes of life.”
One implication of these research findings: If your current situation doesn’t lend itself to making new friends or connecting with the ones you already have, take a brief trip down memory lane and relive the peaks of your past friendships. Then, resurface and find ways to have face-to-face contact.
If you smile when you look at old photographs of friends or have an older mother or grandmother who gets tremendous joy from telling you stories about the pictures of friends in her high school yearbook, then you’ve had a chance to observe this phenomenon up close.
FINDING YOUR SISTERHOOD
Whether you are a caregiver, recent widow, breast-cancer survivor, newly diagnosed with another chronic disease, divorced, gay, in recovery, or a victim of domestic violence, there may be times when you feel like you are alone—the only one in your situation. You may even feel that you don’t have the energy for female friendships or won’t be accepted by other women.
To the contrary, there is a sisterhood of women willing to embrace you, to hold your hand on your journey, and to offer you their friendship. You can contact your local library, religious institution, or hospital to find formal support groups. In addition, you may be fortunate enough to develop long-term friendships with women who have walked in your shoes.
When we face life’s most difficult challenges, there is a natural tendency to hunker down and become isolated. You need to guard against that and allow yourself to befriend and to be befriended. There are also many online chat rooms and support groups that can help you feel less alone, making your burdens feel lighter.
Recent Novels about Female Friendships
In addition to the growing number of non-fiction books about female friendships, recently there has been a spate of terrific novels that tell the stories of sisterhoods of women who come together for support and friendship. They inspire us to think about our friendships