Beyond Feelings - Vincent Ruggiero [31]
Unfortunately, conformity does not always work to our advantage. Sometimes going along with others does not so much increase our safety or serve our convenience as it reinforces our dependency on others. Some situations require careful evaluation and judgment. In such situations, to conform with the news or actions of others out of conviction, after we have thought and decided, is reasonable. However, to conform instead of thinking and deciding is irresponsible.
INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL PRESSURES TO CONFORM
As human beings, we are social creatures. We must live with others and relate to them. From our earliest moments of consciousness, we learn the importance of getting along with others. Few things are more painful to a child than separation from the group. Parents sending us to our room, teachers keeping us in while friends went out to play – these were hard punishments to bear. Even more difficult was the rejection of the group itself.
As we grow older the desire to be included does not go away. It merely takes different forms. We still yearn for the recognition, acceptance, and approval of others. That yearning is intensified by the bombardment of thousands of advertisements and TV commercials. "Join the crowd – buy this." "Don't be left out – everyone who is someone has one." Young teenagers trying to be sophisticated, and middle-aged people trying to be "relevant," have in common the urge to fit some prefabricated image. Conformity promises them belonging.
In addition to the urge to conform that we generate ourselves, there is the external pressure of the various formal and informal groups we belong to, the pressure to endorse their ideas and attitudes and to imitate their actions. Thus our urge to conform receives continuing, even daily reinforcement. To be sure, the intensity off the reinforcement, like the strength of the urge and the ability and inclination to withstand it, differs widely among individuals. Yet some pressure is present for everyone. Yet some pressure is present for everyone. And in one way or another, to some extent, everyone yields to it.
It is possible that a new member of a temperance group might object to the group's rigid insistence that all drinking of alcoholic beverages is wrong. He might even speak out, reminding them that occasional, moderate drinking is not harmful, that even the Bible speaks approvingly of it. But the group may quickly let him know that such ideas are unwelcome in their presence. Every time he forgets this, he will be made to feel uncomfortable. In time, if he values their fellowship, he will refrain from expressing that point of view. He may even refrain from thinking it.
This kind of pressure, whether spoken or unspoken, can be generated by any group – Friday night poker clubs, churches, political parties, committees, fraternities, unions – regardless of how liberal or conservative, formal or casual it may be. The teenage gang that steals automobile accessories may seem to have no taboos. But let one uneasy member remark that he is beginning to feel guilty about his crimes and the wrath of the rest of the gang will descend on him.
Similarly, in high school and college, the crowd a student travels with has certain (usually unstated) expectations for its members. If they drink or smoke, they will often make the member who does not do so feel that she doesn't fully belong. If a member does not share their views on sex, drugs, studying, cheating, or any other subject of importance to them, they will communicate their displeasure. The way they communicate, of course, may be more or less direct. They may tell her she'd better conform "or else." They may launch a teasing campaign against her. Or they may be even more subtle and leave her out of their activities for a few days until she asks what is wrong or decides for