Big Cherry Holler - Adriana Trigiani [19]
“I’m sorry about before. I’m just tired,” I tell him.
“That’s no excuse.”
“Yes, it is. When people are tired, they get a little testy.”
“You’re more than testy.”
“Not really.”
“I’m not going to fight with you,” Jack says plainly.
“I don’t want to fight either.” And I mean it. I hate fighting. “Jack. Please. What’s wrong?” My husband does not answer, but this is typical. I have to pull everything out of him, especially his feelings. “Just say it. Come on.”
“Why haven’t you talked to me about the mines closing?” Jack says quietly.
“We talked about it. Honey. We knew this was coming.”
“Yeah. We did, didn’t we.”
“What does that mean?”
“You act like it’s my fault. Like I wanted, after twenty-two years, to be out of a job, out of the only trade I’ve ever known.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“Damn right it isn’t.”
“What good is that going to do? To be angry? It won’t make Westmoreland reconsider. We have to face this.”
“We? You’re the one who hasn’t faced this.”
“What do you mean?”
“You think that the solution to this problem is to take care of it yourself.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
“Everything. You don’t believe in me. I need your support.”
Oh my God, he thinks that I don’t support him? That I didn’t admire him every day for taking such risks in a dangerous job? That I don’t respect his physical strength and leadership skills? Of course I support him.
“Don’t you trust me?” Jack looks at me. He’s thrown a lot of questions around, but I can see that he’d like an answer to this one.
“Of course I trust you.” I blurt this out instead of saying it like I mean it. Do I mean it? Do I trust him?
“Do you think I’m going to get another job?”
“Yes. Of course.”
“I’m worried about my life too. But I’m not going to sit around waiting for something to happen. I’m out there making it happen.”
“I never said you wouldn’t.”
“You said you’d work extra hours. As if this were about money. Do you know how that made me feel?”
“It should make you feel like you’ve got a wife you can count on.”
“I know that. That’s not what I’m talking about. Ave, I have my pride. Okay? I thought we were partners. I thought that you understood me, that you knew that whatever comes, I would find a way for us to get through it. Instead, you make me feel like I’m expendable. You don’t need me around here if you’re gonna do everything yourself. Why are we married if you’re gonna handle everything alone?”
“I don’t want to handle everything alone!” I feel my marriage sliding off this mountain like a loose rock, with me flailing after, trying to catch it and make it secure.
“You aren’t the man in the family.” Jack Mac gets up to go back into the house. I grab his ankle, then pull myself up and put my arms around him.
“I’m sorry. These worries overtake me sometimes. I still think I have to do everything myself.” This revelation comes from the deepest part of me, and my husband knows it. He knows how hard it is for me to let go. I know how hard it is for me, but then why do I keep making the same mistakes? Why do I push him away when I need him? I feel my husband’s heartbeat slow from an angry pounding to a sweet, steady rhythm. His arms encircle me tenderly. His great shoulders protect me from the cold; I melt into him in a way that I haven’t in a very long time.
“I believe in you,” I tell my husband, meaning it with every cell in my body.
“I hope so, Ave.”
“No. No. I do. Here. Come on. Sit. Tell me your plans.” I pull Jack down onto the step and put my arms around him. My husband’s face is bathed in the golden haze of the lamplight from the living room window. I see the same expression I saw in the kitchen earlier. He is excited, hopeful, full of new ideas, solutions, even.
“Rick and Mousey want to start a construction company. The three of us. We think there’s going to be a lot of development in the area. There’s talk of that prison being built, and that means a new highway coming through, and that’ll create a need for additional housing. We thought we