Big Cherry Holler - Adriana Trigiani [60]
“Face what?”
“You do your chores: taking care of Etta, the house, me. And you’re even sweet about it. You’ve been great all spring. But you’re not really here in this marriage, it’s an act.”
“I resent that. I am doing things, living this way, out of love. I’m not pretending.”
“Maybe ‘pretending’ is the wrong word. You’re going through the motions. It’s rote. You do what you think you’re supposed to do. You do it well. And it’s all very pleasant. Aboveboard. Nice.”
“I’ve been doing this for you. It’s not an act!”
“That’s not what I want,” Jack says simply. He moves and stands near the windows, yet he keeps his eyes on me the whole time.
“I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment to you.”
“No. I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment to you,” he says, then comes over to sit next to me.
“I’m really afraid right now. These things that you’re saying sound so final to me.” I take his hands into mine. I love his hands, and I don’t want to let go. “Don’t you love me anymore?”
“That’s never been the problem. I love you so much that I’m willing to live an unhappy life for you.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I didn’t think you would,” he says quietly.
“Jack, you have to explain to me what you’re feeling. Because I don’t get it. Please help me understand.”
“When I married you, I wanted to make you happy.”
“You did.”
“I took it on because I wanted to.”
“Took what on?”
“You. Your ways.”
“Nobody is simple, Jack. We’re all complicated. That’s how people are. And anyone out there who you think is easy, believe me, they’re not.” I want to come out and say, “If you think Karen Bell is a cakewalk, you’re crazy.” But I can’t. I will not say her name in this house.
“I knew it was going to be hard. I know a good marriage is more work than not. But I thought at the time that you would dig in and work with me. I thought that no matter what happened, we would share it.”
“Haven’t we shared everything?”
“No.”
“I thought we had.” I’m lying. We haven’t shared everything, and I know it. “You’re talking about Joe.”
“My heart broke too when he died.”
“I know.” Jack takes my hand.
“And it’s still broken. I’ve felt ready to talk about it, but you seem distant so I give up. The only time you dealt with it, with me, was at the cemetery last Christmas. And I had so much hope that it was the beginning of a new time for us. I felt like maybe you were going to share with me. Grieve with me. But that one day came and went, and that was it.” Jack lets go of my hand.
“You shouldn’t attack me for the way I handled our son’s death. That’s not fair.”
“I’m not attacking you,” he says quietly.
“There isn’t a manual out there that tells you how to handle your child’s death. Even other parents who went through this, the ones I talked to, couldn’t help me. Us. I didn’t handle it well. But how do you handle something like that well? Is it even possible?”
Jack Mac looks at me. He closes his eyes to think for a moment, then he opens them and looks at me. “I know he came through your body, and that’s something I could never understand, but you pushed me away.”
“I didn’t mean to.”
“Let’s be clear. You did mean to. You think that there’s only one person in the world who can do things right, and that’s you. You’ve never really trusted me.” I start to object, and he interrupts me. “You don’t think I’m capable of taking care of our family, of you. In some way, you think that I’m not up to the task. Now, maybe you’d be that way with any man, but I only know how you are with me. And you can flit around here and smile and pretend that everything is fine, but you and I know the truth. Underneath this perfectly nice surface is a lie. I really believed in us, and you never did. It’s unrequited love. I love a woman, you, who doesn’t love me in the same way. A thinking man would end it all right here. A thinking man would just say, ‘It’s over.’ But I have always let my heart rule my head. I think you need to take the summer to think about what you want to do. And I need the time to think about what I want to do. And I say we talk after