Bike Snob - Anonymous [0]
Systematically and Mercilessly Realigning The World of Cyling
Bike Snob NYC
Illustrations by
Christopher Koelle
Dedicated to Ruth Weiss.
Success is making it onto her bookshelf in book form.
Cycle tracks will abound in Utopia.
—H.G. Wells
Table of Contents
INTRODUCTION
The bicycle, and what's so great about it
PART ONE the Basics
DIALING IT IN: The History of the Bicycle
WHAT IS A CYCLIST, AND WHY WOULD ANYBODY WANT TO BE ONE?
VELO-TAXONOMY: The Various Subsets of Cyclists
GETTING THERE BY BIKE: How Cycling Changed My Life
PART TWO Road Rules
WHY IS EVERYBODY TRYING TO KILL ME?”: Fear, and How to Survive on a Bike
CYCLING AND THE CITY: The Gentrification of the Bicycle
LOOK AT ME, I’M ORIGINAL, TOO! The myth of a “bike culture”
PART THREE Advanced Cycling
LETTING GO: The burden of bicycle ownership
TRIMMING THE FAT: The streamlining influence of cycling
CORROSION OF CONFORMITY: Rules vs. fashion
A BRIEF GUIDE TO ETIQUETTE FOR NON-CYCLISTS
EPILOGUE
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
INTRODUCTION
The Bicycle, and What’s So great About It
As humans, we’ve invented a lot of things. Most of these inventions are stupid and pointless (the Pet Rock; Count Chocula cereal; abstinence as a form of birth control). A lot of them are fun (video games; board games; head games). Some of them are convenient and make our lives easier (cheese graters; beer widgets; toilet brushes). And, every so often, a Truly Great Invention comes along that changes our culture and the very way we live on this planet (irrigation; the printing press; beer).
Of all the Truly Great Inventions, which one is the greatest? Well, there’s no way to tell, as it’s all really just a matter of opinion. But we can narrow it down. There’s a simple litmus test you can use to tell a Truly Great Invention from a regular invention. And that litmus test is the Amish.
The Amish have been “keeping it real” longer than almost any other group of people in America, and they’ve done so by shunning frivolous modern conveniences. Just a few of the things the Amish refuse to use include:
electricity
zippers
telephones
automobiles
computers
speedboats
Nautilus equipment
plastic surgery
and Ludacris albums.
It might seem crazy to live a life without these things, but if you really think about it you can do without all of them. People managed for millennia without electricity, and they were just fine (apart from all the darkness and cholera). Also, zippers are just dangerous buttons, telephones are satanic devices for spreading gossip that vibrate seductively in your pocket (anything that vibrates is evil), automobiles are simply buggies that are too stupid to avoid collisions themselves if the driver falls asleep, and the rest of the items on that list are just things people use to try to get other people to have sex with them outside of wedlock. Do you really need to spend your days flexing your Nautilus-toned arms while you make gratuitous cell phone calls to your friends from the bow of your speedboat? Does that somehow make you a better person? I don’t think so.
Furthermore, the Amish don’t avoid all aspects of modern life. They just avoid the ones they feel are damaging to the soul. They will take advantage of the stuff that’s truly great and useful and that isn’t just a tool for preening, vanity, or looking at pornography. Some of these things include:
regular surgery of the non-plastic variety
medicine
refrigeration (kerosene-powered, not electric-powered)
and bicycles.
That’s right, Amish people will ride bicycles. They might not post lengthy ride reports and photographs of their bicycles to their blogs (Amish blogs are called “sermons”), they might not stop at an espresso bar and sip caffeine from tiny cups while they ogle women in short skirts like the Italians do, and they certainly don’t zip on any skintight Lycra clothing. But they will throw a leg over the saddle and pedal their retro-grouchy asses down to the market for some cheese. And to me, this says a lot. It says the Amish aren’t totally crazy. It says