Bike Snob - Anonymous [17]
And the Roadie’s freeloading ways are not limited to life on the bike. They extend to life off the bike as well. Anybody who’s spent any time in bike shops knows that the road racer is the worst kind of product-grubbing discount hunter there is. They have no loyalty to their shop, even if that shop sponsors their club or team. If Roadies can find it online for $4 less, they’ll buy it there. Yet, they’ll also spend $2,000 on a wheelset if they think it might give them an edge, and if you’re foolish enough to lend them the money for it don’t expect to get it back. Roadies are the junkies of the cycling world; they’re skinny and untrustworthy, and they’ll do whatever they need to in order to keep their habit going. The Roadie’s life is full of disappointed people—spouses, friends, family—all of whom have involuntarily funded their depraved lifestyle in one way or another.
Why other cyclists don’t like them:
They don’t appear to enjoy what they’re doing and they don’t appear to know you exist.
Compatibility with other cyclists:
Have been known to appear at mountain bike races and cyclocross races, but are largely compatible with their own kind only.
The Mountain Biker
In some sense, the Mountain Biker is the Roadie’s counterpart—the yang to their yin; the pepper to their salt; the Salt to their Pepa. The main difference between the Mountain Biker and the Roadie is one of terrain, though there’s also a difference in attitude. As a practioner of a much newer discipline, the vocabulary and persona of the Mountain Biker have a decidedly more modern, Western vibe than the Roadie’s old-world, European sensibility. This is particularly apparent in the many surfer-esque ways they can lovingly describe dirt, such as “flowy” or “tacky” or “loose” or “gnarly.” Mountain Bikers are generally also more inclusive than Roadies, which is largely due to the fact that they have a tendency to get “stoked” about things and actually seem to enjoy themselves when they ride.
At the same time, due to the significant variations in both terrain and social attitudes across the country and the world, many different styles of Mountain Bikers have evolved. These range from the Lycra-clad, smooth-shaven cross-country racers who are not dissimilar to Roadies in outward appearance, all the way to the baggy-shorted, hairy-legged Freeriders who “session” on bikes with more suspension than an unruly high school student. Mountain Bikers are also far more likely to have beer guts and hairy legs with tattoos of things like chain rings, reptiles, or Chinese characters—and that’s just on the ladies. In terms of componentry, Mountain Bikers are less interested in tradition than they are in innovation, due to the demands off-road riding makes on their equipment. While some Roadies do ride off-road as well, many are put off by the presence of distasteful things like mud, rocks, fun, and a spirit of camaraderie. In fact, there’s a traditional rivalry between Roadies and Mountain Bikers, which leads Mountain Bikers to do extremely irritating things like try to race Roadies who are simply out for a ride, which, if you’re a Roadie, is sort of like being goaded by a hillbilly while you’re browsing an art gallery.
Why other cyclists don’t like them:
They will drive four hours to ride for one hour; they listen to music like Creed and Pearl Jam; they have an Adam Sandler—esque approach to cycling attire; and they’re the sort of people who have very large dogs and get really into barbecuing.
Compatibility with other cyclists:
Can mingle with Roadies and are comfortable with Cyclocrossers, though they are usually betrayed by their goatees (men), unshaven legs (women), sleeveless jerseys, and helmet visors (unisex).
The Cyclocrosser
Cyclocross is a strange, painful, and addictive form of racing involving dismounting and carrying your bike over obstacles on courses consisting of both dirt and pavement. In a way racing cyclocross is like freebasing cycling, since the races are short but incredibly intense, and they manage to distill