Bike Snob - Anonymous [49]
The Object You’re Locking the Bike To
So let’s say you’ve got your M&Ms, your Yoo-hoo, and your copy of Martha Stewart Living, and you arrive at the nail salon. Now, you may have the strongest bicycle lock in the world, but that lock is only as strong as the object to which your bicycle is fastened. A thief may not have the tools or time to cut your lock, but if you lock it to a giant peppermint stick or a gingerbread house because you’re naive and you treat life like it’s a stroll through Candyland, it’s not going to matter. So make sure whatever you use is completely solid, closed-ended, and permanently attached to the Earth.
Here are things to which you should not lock your bike:
—Things that are not attached to anything else
—Short poles off of which your bike can be lifted
—Chain link fences
—Saplings
—Ice sculptures
—Things shaped like the letter “C”
—Thieves
—The bike itself
That last one is especially important. A lot of people seem to think that if a bicycle cannot be ridden that it also cannot be stolen. As such, they do things like locking the wheel to the frame without locking the bike to something else as well. This does absolutely nothing. Firstly, professional bike thieves don’t check your tire pressure, lube the chain, and change the pedals to their favorite system before making off with your bike. They just throw the thing in a van. Secondly, even an opportunistic part-time amateur thief can just pick up your bike and run. If you think somebody’s going to stop him, think again. They’ll just assume he’s practicing his urban cyclocross.
Also, you need to pay attention to your “lock threading.” Have you ever tried to stitch up your pants while you’re wearing them and accidentally sewn them to your underpants? Unless you’re me, you probably haven’t. Similarly, it can be surprisingly easy to pass a chain through the wrong part of the bicycle if you’re not paying careful attention—like, through the wheel instead of through the frame (or through nothing instead of through the frame). That’s when you come back outside and find that your heavy lock indeed was very effective in keeping your front wheel secured to the bike rack. Unfortunately, the rest of the bike is gone. Furthermore, just because you don’t know how to remove a part of your bike, don’t think that a thief doesn’t either. You should always lock your frame to the rack, and in turn lock your wheels to either the frame or the rack as well. This may require two locks. I’ve never heard people complain about still having a bike because they used too many locks, but I have read many a Craigslist post written by a forlorn hipster pining for his beloved “lime green Velocity rim to Phil Wood hub” track wheel.
Most importantly, though, as I say elsewhere, know your bike will get stolen. People seem to think thieves only steal nice bikes, so they do things like cover their decals and logos with stickers. But thieves don’t shop like you do. They’re not consumers; they’re thieves. They steal whatever they can. Regardless of what you ride, a thief will turn around and sell it for $75—the only difference is that the more money you put into the bike, the more you stand to lose. Just like you might realize the pointlessness of gram-shaving on your cyclocross bike when it’s covered with fifteen pounds of mud, you should also realize the futility of upgrading your seatpost when you walk outside and find the whole bike missing.
TRIMMING THE FAT
The streamlining