Bike Snob - Anonymous [54]
For the masochistic autoeroticist with anal-retentive tendencies, time trials or triathlons are the way to go. They provide all the perverse suffering of road racing but without close proximity to others, allowing you to focus entirely on your own twisted needs. Yet there are still people around and you’re being timed, so there’s a certain voyeuristic thrill. You also get to wear clothing that makes roadie kit look modest. Think Lieutenant Dangle from Reno 911! in an aero tuck.
But even if you’re more seventies ‘lude salesman than bike racer in your relationship with exertion, it’s still going to happen now and again. No matter how many ‘ludes you take (do ‘ludes even exist anymore?) there’s no getting around gravity, and unless you live someplace completely flat occasionally you’ve got to ride up a hill. And that can hurt no matter how slowly you do it. So if you’re on your bike and you happen to encounter a hill, try to make the best of it. Look upon it as an opportunity for introspection and self-discovery. The fact is that the way you react to a really nasty climb will tell you everything you need to know about yourself. For example, I know I’m a worrier and a procrastinator, because when I see a climb on the horizon I dread it and focus on how much I don’t want to do it. Then once I’m on the climb I start wishing it wasn’t happening, but eventually I start to pick out little landmarks on the side of the road (“Okay, just have to get to the abandoned shoe…okay, made it. Now just keep going until the raccoon carcass”) in order to trick myself into continuing. (This is the cycling equivalent of “chunking.”) Then of course after the climb is over I think, “That wasn’t really that hard—I should do more of that!” which underscores my inability to live in the moment.
Basically, pain via exertion is mostly optional, but at the times it’s mandatory it can be a window into yourself.
Weather Pain
Cycling’s practicality comes from the machine’s light weight and efficiency, but these things do come at a cost: exposure to the elements. We have no control over weather conditions, and those conditions can sometimes be far from ideal for cycling. However, certain conditions aren’t nearly as bad as you’d think they’d be, and there are also a lot of simple things you can do to make your ride a lot more pleasant.
Depending on where you live, the most common form of adverse weather is probably rain. Generally, it likes to attack by falling on you from the sky, but it can do so in the form of a light mist or in heavy bursts. It can also start, make you think it’s over, coax you outside, and then start again. It can even pounce on you from out of nowhere when the sky is completely clear, like a deranged house cat. So until humanity figures out a way to control rain completely (and I remain confident that day will come) the best thing you can do is have a bike with fenders.
Full fenders are one of the best things you can put on your bicycle. Obviously if it’s raining heavily you’re going to get wet no matter what. But in light rain having full fenders can keep you almost completely dry in conditions that would otherwise have you filthy and wet from road spray. Too many people make the mistake of only thinking about the rain that’s falling down, but when you’re on a bicycle your wheels actually throw up more water from the road than is falling down from the sky. Essentially, without fenders, it’s raining more than twice as hard as it is with fenders. It can not be raining at all, but if the ground is wet and you don’t have fenders your ass is going to get wet. Yes, fenders will actually reduce your wetness by more than 50 percent. In other words, you’ll be able to ride more than twice as much as you did without them, since what was once enough rain to keep you off the bike is now less than half enough