Bike Snob - Anonymous [65]
My favorite toast is rye toast.
—Paris Hilton
As I said earlier, cyclists are a different order of people. Moreover, as a people we’ve been persecuted and maligned by the society at large. If you’re a progressive, open-minded non-cyclist, naturally you want to make the cyclists in your life feel welcome and to live side by side with them in harmony. And if you’re a cyclist, you’ve probably felt different and out of place most of your cycling life. It’s hard to be different, and nobody should feel that they have to suppress their innate tendencies and deny their own nature simply to fit in (unless their innate tendencies and own nature involve things like murder, racial prejudice, or public vomiting). If the world at large would observe some simple etiquette, life would be far better for cyclists and non-cyclists alike.
Let Bikes Inside
Part of understanding and coexisting with cyclists is under-standing and respecting the many hardships we endure. And one of our biggest hardships is the fact that the world is intent on separating us from our bikes. Our bikes are stolen all the time—from garages, from apartment building hallways, from the roof racks of cars, from the team cars of professional cycling teams, from outdoor bike racks, and even right out from under us. This is because the very thing that makes them great—they’re fast and light—also makes them easy to steal. As such, we try to bring our bikes inside with us as often as possible.
Unfortunately, too many people and establishments see bicycles as dirty things that don’t belong indoors—even though many cyclists ride bicycles that are more valuable, cleaner, and better looking than the average apartment-dweller’s sofa (I’ve never heard of anyone getting bedbugs from a bicycle). So to invite a cyclist to your home or place of business and not allow him to bring his bicycle inside with him is tremendously insulting. It says, “I refuse to offer you brief respite from the constant specter of bike theft that follows you. Moreover, I refuse to acknowledge that significant part of what makes you you.”
In the olden days (which is roughly defined as the period between the Big Bang and telephones) you’d provide a stable and water for your guest’s horses. And today, if you have a driveway, you let your friends and family park in it. So you should extend the same courtesy to the cyclist. Not letting us bring our bikes in is like not letting people use your toilet. “Where’s your bathroom?” “Well, it’s right down the hall, but there’s also a Starbucks two blocks from here and I’d really prefer you use theirs.”
It’s bad enough so many offices don’t provide secure bicycle parking for their employees. So the least we can do is provide it for each other.
Avoid Cyclist Slurs
Most of us have encountered those unfortunate (though unwittingly comic) people who use ethnic slurs without being aware of it. Generally, these are older people who lead insular lives and as such are ignorant of the fact that certain once widely used terms are now considered offensive. As a teenager I once had a boss like this. He used to call me “Oriental,” which offended me deeply. Not only is the term “Oriental” outdated, but I also have no Asian ancestry whatsoever.
Well, we cyclists are often subject to similar ignorance. And when it comes to cyclist slurs, there’s one that towers above all others. It’s the L word. I’m not talking about the TV show The L Word about the lesbians—or, as my old boss might have called them, “Gertrude Steins.” No, the L word is “Lance Armstrong.”
Everybody knows who Lance Armstrong is. He’s easily the most famous cyclist in the world. But what most people don’t know is that we cyclists consider “Lance Armstrong” a slur. Firstly, most non-cyclists use it as a pejorative, as in, “Hey Lance, get on the sidewalk!” or, “I hate these bike riders in their neon spandex. They all think they’re Lance Armstrong!” Secondly, even when non-cyclists aren’t trying to be insulting, it’s still incredibly annoying to be compared to Lance Armstrong