Bird in Hand - Christina Baker Kline [101]
In their price range. Charlie is only beginning to realize what an enormous strain this divorce will put on his finances. Alison has the house, the Volvo, the gym club membership she doesn’t even use; he has almost nothing, and yet he has to pay for everything. Alison is returning to work, though; she starts a job on Monday. Apparently her lawyer has apprised her of the fact that Charlie won’t support her forever, and that unless she takes action she will probably have to move.
Charlie’s favorite shoes are at the house, his favorite chair—the first chair he ever bought with his own money at a real furniture store (not a dorm room La-Z-Boy from the Salvation Army or Goodwill). His grad school papers and the warranties for his camera, his watch, the stereo system. He’d spent hours, weeks, researching and anticipating and hooking up the stereo, threading wires along doorframes, drilling small holes through walls while Alison rolled her eyes in the background. But to take the stereo with him would be absurd; he’d have to dismantle the living room, the speakers in the kitchen. … Every day he thinks of things he left behind. Framed sepia photographs of his mild-mannered grandparents and stern-looking great-grandparents, commingled on a hallway wall with pictures of Alison’s ancestors. Yearbooks from the University of Kansas. Someday he will get some of these things back—the ones that matter most, perhaps—but he’ll have to let most of it go.
With Alison the future had been all promise—scooping up the past and feathering their domestic nest with it. Now the future will be about letting go, watching pieces of the past drift to the ground. All the things Charlie took for granted—his comfortable house, seeing his children every day, the myriad tasks and errands that Alison took care of—are lost. Almost everything has become more complicated. Chalk it up to—what? A learning experience? If nothing else, the past decade yielded Annie and Noah; the years were worth it for that alone.
Two weeks after Charlie left, he’d called Alison and asked if he and Claire could meet her for coffee to talk. To explain. At first she said no, but then she relented.
They met at a Starbucks in Rockwell. “We never meant to hurt you,” Claire said. “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but it didn’t have anything to do with you, Alison.”
“ ‘We,’” Alison said. “So you’re a ‘we’ now.” Her voice was almost eerily calm. “You can’t steal my life and tell me it has nothing to do with me.”
“Blame me,” Charlie said. “It’s not you. Or her. It’s me.”
“Oh, I know it’s you. Your betrayal, your immaturity, your idealization of her,” Alison said, almost spitting the words. “Your selfishness. Noah and Annie don’t have a father anymore.”
“Come on, Alison,” Charlie said. “That’s not true.”
“You’ve robbed them of their innocence. Their trust. Does that feel good?”
“Please. Aren’t you being a little—?” Claire put her hand lightly on his, as if to stop him from saying more. Then she said, “We’re giving you your life back, can’t you see that? That life you thought you had—it wasn’t real.” Alison’s eyes grew wide, and she blinked. “How dare you say that to me.”
The whole thing had been excruciating. Only lately has Alison been able to talk to Charlie on the phone without collapsing in tears or shouting and hanging up. Noah, sweet Noah, has been full of questions but is willing enough to treat Charlie’s absences and reappearances as if he’s a traveling salesman. Annie has been alternately furious and manic, acting out in restaurants, acting as though she doesn’t care. Charlie has had to woo her gingerly, careful not to promise too much while at the same time conveying his unconditional love. It is a strategy destined to fail. Whatever he does, short of moving back in, will disappoint her.
Charlie knew it would be hard, and mostly it’s worse than he imagined. And yet—and yet. He is happier than he has ever been. He loves waking up to a