Blue Belle - Andrew Vachss [65]
"He wanted to know was I sure. So I told him. I told him the truth. He said I was right—I was doing the right thing. He said he saw a lot of babies like I was gonna have—said they never did too well. Trying to make it gentle for me, but I knew what he meant."
She took a deep drag off her cigarette.
"He said he could fix me up inside when he went to get the baby. Tie my tubes. I didn't have to think a minute."
Her voice was soft in the night. "I could love a baby—I know I could. But I figured, if I loved a baby, I'd never have one. You understand?"
"Yeah."
"How come you never worried about it?"
"About what?"
"Making me pregnant."
I laughed. "I can't make babies, Belle."
"You tried? With that woman…"
"No. I never tried. Never thought about it when I was young. Spent most of my time in places where you couldn't make a baby anyway. I got jumped once. Long time ago. It wasn't a personal thing—I was in the wrong place. Or maybe I was just the wrong color. Doesn't much matter. Anyway, they really did a number on me. When the ambulance dropped me at the hospital, the pain was so bad…there's no way for me to describe it to you."
"What'd they do?"
"Broke some ribs. Fractured my jaw. But the real hurt…they kicked me in the balls so many times I thought they were going to fall off. The doctor said it was a testicular torsion."
"A what?"
"A torsion… like a twist." I held my two fists together in front of her face, twisted one sideways. "Like that."
"Ugh!"
"Yeah. I looked down at myself—the whole sac was black. Before they put me out, the doctor said the blood supply was pinched off—they'd have to cut me open and stitch a new wall inside to hold the balls in place."
"God!"
"I remember telling them, could they do a vasectomy while they were at it….The doctor thought it was funny—like, as long as they were in the neighborhood and all. But they did it. No babies from me either."
"Does that hurt you?"
"No. It's not for me. I don't think about it. But I never told anyone before."
Belle kissed me. "You can tell me anything," she said.
I reached past her. Lit a smoke for myself. My watch said it was past four in the morning.
"Go back to sleep," I said, rubbing her back, pushing against her shoulder.
"I have to sleep on my stomach," she said, a smile playing around her lips.
"You're breaking my heart—I didn't pinch you that hard."
"You did!"
"Give it a rest, Belle. I'd need a set of vise grips to do a job on all this," I said, patting her butt.
"I looked in the mirror. While you were asleep. You made a big mark."
"It'll be gone soon."
"I know," she whispered. "That's why I'm sleeping on my stomach. I want to see it again before it goes away."
She put her face in my chest. I felt the tears.
"What?"
"It'll fade away. You will too."
"I'm right here."
"For now."
I took a last long pull on the cigarette, tangling my hand in the hair at the back of her neck.
"It's like you said before, Belle. We're outlaws. Tomorrow's for citizens. For us, it's always now."
"I love you," she mumbled into my chest.
"Go to sleep, little girl," I told her, holding her, kissing her hair.
Waiting for daylight.
70
I WAS back up a couple of hours later. I lit a cigarette, walked out onto the deck. A big seagull sat on the railing. He didn't fly away as I walked closer to him, just shifted his head so he could watch me close. He knew he had the whole sky to run to.
I felt Belle behind me. "You better go back to sleep," I said.
"Why? I'm awake now."
"You already missed a couple of nights' work. You're going to be wiped out if you don't get some rest."
"I'm not going back. In that business, girls come and they go. It happens all the time."
"Yeah, but…"
"I'm in this with you, Burke. I know you could walk away from me anyway. When it's over. But I got to take this shot. Show you what I can do…so you'll want to be with me."
"Look, Belle…"
"You promised. Maybe you didn't say the words, but you promised. An outlaw's promise—I'm in on this. I've got some money put away. You won't have to take care of me."
"Hell, I'd