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By Root 397 0

shame often surrounds stories of incest, alcoholism, mental illness, violence against women during wartime, or AIDS. Shame can include a deep feeling about oneself over something that seems unchangeable.7 Helga could not change the fact that she left home and that two children died, a regrettable, unfortunate, and some say, outrageous act. In her mind, she embarked on this walk as an act of love for her family; she was determined to try to save their family home by this unique opportunity that presented itself during the spring of 1896. Yet, after returning home, she knew her husband and children felt shame because her leaving home had brought dishonor and disgrace to the family, especially after the two children died. Given these perceptions and her own, Helga likely decided the less said about her actions, the better. The act of burning the manuscript may have been her daughters’ effort to seal forever the shame of their mother’s aberrant actions.

Pretending that Clara was Ole’s child sealed the shame of her out-of-wedlock pregnancy. She had practiced silence before, and she could do it again. To go public with her story after the children’s death would place her actions under far more severe scrutiny than her initial trip. Victorian values still prevailed, and she would not want to add more pain to her family. Her life demonstrated that she valued her close connections within the Norwegian-American community. Current researchers on the psychology of women “all agree that interpersonal intimacy is the profound organizer of female experience.”8 The importance that women place on the establishment and maintenance of close relationships clearly characterized Helga’s life, too.

Every country needs individuals who refuse to be silenced when breaking out of unhealthy cultural norms, despite the criticism. This courageous spirit allowed Hildegard of Bingen to ignore criticism when she left a male monastery and established a highly influential female monastery in twelfth-century Europe; led Jane Addams to break the lifestyle norms for privileged educated females by moving to the inner city of Chicago to establish Hull House and live among the poor; and inspired Martin Luther King Jr. to defy segregation laws and lead a nation in civil disobedience protests even after his home was bombed. Each of these leaders influenced their societies to make important innovative changes, but their success depended on ordinary women and men speaking up and risking criticism. Once convinced that women deserved to be full voting citizens, Helga stayed actively committed to the suffrage movement, undeterred by disapproval.

KEEPING THE PEACE

A family story that threatens internal relationships will be silenced by those wanting to maintain fragile family bonds. This is particularly true of women who self-silence.9 In the Victorian home, women were expected to create a supportive climate for domestic life, helping all family members to get along.10 There was such bitterness toward Helga, mingled with deep grief and hurt, that avoidance of any discussion of their walk across America must have been their way to cope and maintain the family relationships. If Helga did not speak about her trip, she could avoid personal hurt and the problems it raised in the family.11

Her approach represents a common pattern for handling unpleasant facts, especially family stories that can be hurtful. In Vital Lies, Simple Truths, in the chapter called “What You Don’t See Won’t Hurt You,” Daniel Goleman describes how a “semblance of cozy calm can be maintained by an unspoken agreement to deny the pertinent facts.” When describing how families and groups deny information that makes them uneasy, he states, “We tune out, we turn away, we avoid. Finally we forget, and forget we have forgotten.… It is easier to go along with the silent agreements that keep unpleasant facts quiet and make it hard to rock the boat.”12

Often families consider whether all truths should be told and recognize that the balance between “shedding veils and shielding painful truths” is a subtle