Brave Story - Miyuki Miyabe [208]
“Then why…”
Yacom faced him, looking so much like Akira Mitani it sent a stab of pain through Wataru’s chest.
“What you don’t know, boy, is that people have feelings that don’t obey logic. Satami’s not a bad woman. She’s a good worker, and a gentle soul. But when I met Lili I fell in love. I knew I could never go back. Once you know true love, how could you settle for anything less?”
“How do you know that your love with Satami is false, and your love with Lili is true?” Wataru asked, his voice tense.
Yacom’s mouth curled in a faint smile. “You’ll understand when you become a man.”
“I don’t want to understand!” Wataru shouted so loud it surprised him. His heart leapt in his chest, threatening to burst out of his mouth.
This isn’t my father. This is Yacom—Yacom the traveling merchant. Not Akira Mitani. He’s a different person. Even if they look the same, even if he’s doing the same thing, hurting the same people, he’s not Dad. He’s not, he’s not.
“Love is the most important thing a person can know,” Yacom said, his tone like that of a preacher giving a sermon. “If you should win love once, you’ll know it is harder than death to let go. Of course, I can guarantee you’ll never meet your true love.”
Wataru let his gaze drop to the mud beneath his feet. “What about how Satami feels? What about the love she feels for you? Isn’t that real? If what you said is true, then won’t it be harder than death itself for Satami to give up her love?”
Yacom shook his head. “Satami doesn’t love me. She was only clinging to me for a livelihood.”
“How can you just decide that?!”
“You seem to be making a lot of decisions about other people’s affairs yourself, boy.”
Wataru didn’t back down. “What about Sara, then? What about the love she has for her father?”
“That’s different. That’s the love between a parent and a child.”
“You’re a coward. You’re making up logic just to suit your own whims. Did you know that every time an udai passes by Tearsheaven, Sara runs out as fast as her little legs will carry her. She thinks it’s you coming home. Tell me you can look her in the eye and say what you just told me.”
For a moment, Yacom fell silent. Then, suddenly, his uninjured right hand moved swiftly, scooping up a clump of mud from the ground and flinging it at Wataru. The young boy ducked to the side, but the wet mud left a trail across his cheek. “Are you crazy?!”
Yacom’s eyes were blazing. Hatred shone from them, just as it had when he first drew his magegun.
“Kids…kids…kids!” Yacom shouted. “What’s so special about kids! She wouldn’t even be alive if it weren’t for me! Just being someone’s kid doesn’t give you the right to latch on to them for your whole life! Bah!” Yacom was raging now. “A life that depends on someone else is not even worth living. I’ll kill her myself, with my own hands if I have to. Satami too! If she can’t live without me, then I’ll spare her the trouble!”
Wataru felt his breath catch in his throat. His cheeks were burning. He looks just like Dad. No, he is Dad. That voice in my ears isn’t Yacom’s, it’s his. This is Akira Mitani talking to me, saying these things.
—I’ll never abandon you, Wataru.
—If I didn’t exist, you never would have been born.
—I’ll just pretend you weren’t born. It never happened. I wasn’t there.
—I won’t abandon you. I’ll erase you.
That’s what you want, isn’t it Wataru?
Wataru felt dizzy. His legs buckled beneath him. The anger in his heart seethed like magma, yet at the same time, it felt impossibly distant, like his mind and his heart were at opposite ends of the galaxy.
I’m going to fall.
Wataru stuck out his hands, searching for something to hold on to. There was nothing. He wobbled and lurched to one side.
“What’s wrong with you, boy?” he heard Yacom asking. His voice sounded muted, like he was hearing him from the other side of a window. It wasn’t just Yacom. Everything seemed turned down: the chill of the Swamp of Grief, the gloomy breeze; it was as though a translucent wall separated him from his surroundings. Like he was inside a fishbowl looking out at the world