Breaking Dawn - Stephenie Meyer [150]
But what was wrong with Jasper?
Hell be back, Edward said, whether to me or Renesmee, I wasnt sure. He just needs a moment alone to readjust his perspective on life. There was a grin threatening at the corners of his mouth.
Another human memory-Edward telling me that Jasper would feel better about himself if I had a hard time adjusting to being a vampire. This was in the context of a discussion about how many people I would kill my first newborn year.
Is he mad at me? I asked quietly.
Edwards eyes widened. No. Why would he be?
Whats the matter with him, then?
Hes upset with himself, not you, Bella. Hes worrying about self-fulfilling prophecy, I suppose you could say.
How so? Carlisle asked before I could.
Hes wondering if the newborn madness is really as difficult as weve always thought, or if, with the right focus and attitude, anyone could do as well as Bella. Even now- perhaps he only has such difficulty because he believes its natural and unavoidable. Maybe if he expected more of himself, he would rise to those expectations. Youre making him question a lot of deep- rooted assumptions, Bella.
But thats unfair, Carlisle said. Everyone is different; everyone has their own challenges. Perhaps what Bella is doing goes beyond the natural. Maybe this is her gift, so to speak.
I froze with surprise. Renesmee felt the change, and touched me. She remembered the last second of time and wondered why.
Thats an interesting theory, and quite plausible, Edward said.
For a tiny space, I was disappointed. What? No magic visions, no formidable offensive abilities like, oh, shooting lightning bolts from my eyes or something? Nothing helpful or cool at all?
And then I realized what that might mean, if my superpower was no more than exceptional self-control.
For one thing, at least I had a gift. It could have been nothing.
But, much more than that, if Edward was right, then I could skip right over the part Id feared the very most.
What if I didnt have to be a newborn? Not in the crazed killing-machine sense, anyway. What if I could fit right in with the Cullens from my first day? What if we didnt have to hide out somewhere remote for a year while I grew up? What if, like Carlisle, I never killed a single person? What if I could be a good vampire right away?
I could see Charlie.
I sighed as soon as reality filtered through hope. I couldnt see Charlie right away. The eyes, the voice, the perfected face. What could I possibly say to him; how could I even begin? I was furtively glad that I had some excuses for putting things off for a while; as much as I wanted to find some way to keep Charlie in my life, I was terrified of that first meeting. Seeing his eyes pop as he took in my new face, my new skin. Knowing that he was frightened. Wondering what dark explanation would form in his head.
I was chicken enough to wait for a year while my eyes cooled. And here Id thought I would be so fearless when I was indestructible.
Have you ever seen an equivalent to self- control as a talent? Edward asked Carlisle. Do you really think thats a gift, or just a product of all her preparation?
Carlisle shrugged. Its slightly similar to what Siobhan has always been able to do, though she wouldnt call it a gift.
Siobhan, your friend in that Irish coven? Rosalie asked. I wasnt aware that she did anything special. I thought it was Maggie who was talented in that bunch.
Yes, Siobhan thinks the same. But she has this way of deciding her goals and then almost willing them into reality. She considers it good planning, but Ive always wondered if it was something more. When she included Maggie, for instance. Liam was very territorial, but Siobhan wanted it to work out, and so it did.
Edward, Carlisle, and Rosalie settled into chairs as they continued with the discussion. Jacob sat next to Seth protectively, looking bored. From the way his eyelids drooped, I was sure hed be unconscious momentarily.
I listened, but my attention was divided. Renesmee was still telling me about her day. I held her by the window wall, my arms rocking her automatically