Breaking Dawn - Stephenie Meyer [201]
Thats not fair! Youre good at this. You helped Jasper before-you fought with him and all the others, too. Why not me? What did I do wrong?
He sighed, exasperated. His eyes were dark, barely any gold to lighten the black.
Looking at you that way, analyzing you as a target. Seeing all the ways I can kill you He flinched. It just makes it too real for me. We dont have so much time that it will really make a difference who your teacher is. Anyone can teach you the fundamentals.
I scowled.
He touched my pouting lower lip and smiled. Besides, its unnecessary. The Volturi will stop. They will be made to understand.
But if they dont! I need to learn this.
Find another teacher.
That was not our last conversation on the subject, but I never swayed him an inch from his decision.
Emmett was more than willing to help, though his teaching felt to me a lot like revenge for all the lost arm- wrestling matches. If I could still bruise, I would have been purple from head to toe. Rose, Tanya, and Eleazar all were patient and supportive. Their lessons reminded me of Jaspers fighting instructions to the others last June, though those memories were fuzzy and indistinct. Some of the visitors found my education entertaining, and some even offered assistance. The nomad Garrett took a few turns-he was a surprisingly good teacher; he interacted so easily with others in general that I wondered how hed never found a coven. I even fought once with Zafrina while Renesmee watched from Jacobs arms. I learned several tricks, but I never asked for her help again. In truth, though I liked Zafrina very much and I knew she wouldnt really hurt me, the wild woman scared me to death.
I learned many things from my teachers, but I had the sense that my knowledge was still impossibly basic. I had no idea how many seconds I would last against Alec and Jane. I only prayed that it would be long enough to help.
Every minute of the day that I wasnt with Renesmee or learning to fight, I was in the backyard working with Kate, trying to push my internal shield outside of my own brain to protect someone else. Edward encouraged me in this training. I knew he hoped I would find a way of contributing that satisfied me while also keeping me out of the line of fire.
It was just so hard. There was nothing to get a hold of, nothing solid to work with. I had only my raging desire to be of use, to be able to keep Edward, Renesmee, and as much of my family as possible safe with me. Over and over I tried to force the nebulous shield outside of myself, with only faint, sporadic success. It felt like I was wrestling to stretch an invisible rubber band-a band that would change from concrete tangibility into insubstantial smoke at any random moment.
Only Edward was willing to be our guinea pig- to receive shock after shock from Kate while I grappled incompetently with the insides of my head. We worked for hours at a time, and I felt like I should be covered in sweat from the exertion, but of course my perfect body didnt betray me that way. My weariness was all mental.
It killed me that it was Edward who had to suffer, my arms wrapped uselessly around him while he winced over and over from Kates low setting. I tried as hard as I could to push my shield around us both; every now and then I would get it, and then it would slip away again.
I hated this practice, and I wished that Zafrina would help instead of Kate. Then all Edward would have to do was look at Zafrinas illusions until I could stop him from seeing them. But Kate insisted that I needed better motivation-by which she meant my hatred of watching Edwards pain. I was beginning to doubt her assertion from the first day wed met-that she wasnt sadistic about the use of her gift. She seemed to be enjoying herself to me.
Hey, Edward said cheerfully, trying to hide any evidence of distress in his voice. Anything to keep me from fighting practice. That one barely stung. Good job, Bella.
I took a deep breath, trying to grasp exactly what Id done