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From her feelings about you, first of all. And mostly because of her family.

But why should they know?

It’s extremely easy to find out where people are these days. There is an industry to do just that.

All right Doctor. Then I have one choice the less. And the one that I’ll end up with is my wife and family.

In the end, yes. Because that’s where you belong.

Tell me, was there a point in your life that was a real turning point? You could have chosen to do something else?

No, I think my life has been pretty mapped out for me by circumstances.

But when you think of yourself, you don’t think of yourself as your circumstances, surely.

I could have done other things, of course. But I’ve been the same person.

Then why do I have to be Professor Thingabob? And I’m not Felicity’s husband and the father of James and Philip. Suppose I had gone back to Yugoslavia after the war and married Vera? She was Konstantina’s close friend.

Look Professor, whether I understand you or not doesn’t make any difference, you know. There are certain roads open to you. I want to list them again—right?

Why don’t you see?

You can go home. Your wife says she’ll be happy, any time you decide to go home. We think this would be a mistake as you are now. We don’t know but we think it is possible that your home or your wife or your children set you off in the first place.

It was nothing to do with Felicity. It was to do with …

Go on, catch it—to do with what?

It went. How can I not remember? How? It’s just there, always. I feel I could catch it by suddenly turning my head, it’s so close. Like a shadow out of the corner of my eye.

And it is not your wife or your home?

No. I know the nature of it very well. I keep telling you that. The kind of thing it is—I know that. But not exactly what. There’s something else I ought to be doing. Something different. I know that, and I have to…

I’m going on with the alternatives. The second one is that you could stay with a friend, either Miles Bovey or Rosemary Baines, since they have both offered …

But you say I don’t know Rosemary Baines, I met her once at a public meeting, and she wrote me that letter you showed me. Sometimes I do think that there is something there for me. Last time I read her letter yes, I did think—but how can I be sure? It is so easy to be trapped. I’m trapped here. I might find that another trap and …

I’m going on. But that is my advice—try a friend for a short time. They are less exacting than families and …

Friends. Friends, yes. Real friends. Friends are not for comforting and licking each other’s muzzles and saying how nice you are, how kind. Friends are for fighting, they are for …

I am going on. If you decide not to go home, and decide not to stay with a friend, there’s the North Catchment Hospital in two weeks from now. And there you would find the same conditions as here …

Everyone says much worse.

The same, I mean, for your choices. Because if you wanted to leave there, you’d be in the same position exactly as you are now. The same alternatives.

It’s not a question of alternatives. It’s a question of remembering.

I’m going on. Or you can agree to have shock therapy. I’ve already gone into the pros and cons pretty thoroughly. It has to be shock, because you haven’t responded to the alternative drugs.

Tell me.

The essence of it in my opinion is that I don’t think it would do you any harm, and it may have the effect of making you remember.

Remember what, that’s the point!

Or it may leave you exactly as you are now.

When you give people electric shock treatment you don’t know, not really, what it does.

No. But we do know there are thousands, probably millions by now, of people who would be too depressed to go on living without it.

I’m not depressed, Doctor. I am not.

Well, well.

And if you were in my place, you’d have the electric shock treatment?

Yes I would. You’ll probably come to that in the end. That’s my view. It is also the view of Doctor X. You have had the drugs we use instead of shock. None has worked with you. Nothing has worked. You had lost