Briefing for a Descent Into Hell - Doris May Lessing [61]
Am I ill then?
Not physically.
Then why am I not strong? Am I weak?
Professor Watkins, you lost your memory.
Who is Professor Watkins. Is that the name of the other one?
No, it’s your name.
Mine? Oh no!
Yes it is.
What do I profess?
Greek. Latin. That field.
I profess not. Field? That’s no word for it! I should be … I ought to be … tell me, were you there too?
Where, Professor?
At the lecture? At the briefing?
Ah, you were briefed then?
Yes, yes. I do remember.
Who was there?
I. And He, of course and … and—who? A lot of us, yes …
Go on.
The Emanence. Yes. The light. That’s it, yes, of course. God the Father, Amen, Amen, Amen. And we were, yes, that’s who we were and that’s why I am here, but I lost my way in those fields.
You lost your memory, Professor, and you were found wandering on the edge of the river.
Oh my God, I hope it has cleansed itself by now, I do hope it is running clean again.
Wasn’t it clean?
Full of corpses, you know.
Oh I’m sure it was not. The Thames may not be the cleanest of streams, but it doesn’t collect many corpses.
The Thames? The Thames?
Yes, you were on the Embankment. The police found you.
I don’t remember anything of that.
Well, I’ll help you. You seemed as if you hadn’t been in bed for a while—
Well, naturally not!
You had eaten, they thought, but you were very tired …
Eaten, oh my God yes, oh, oh, no—
And the moon was new.…
On the contrary, it was full.
Well, well.
The Thames you say. That’s a tidal river. Not like that other. The river comes in and out, in and out, a tide, one and two and me makes three. Three. A tidal river is like a breath, breathing, feeding the land with fish and … Who? Who?
Professor, please. Do think about it. Don’t start rambling again. Please try and remember.
God I think. I gotta use words when I talk to you, Eliot. I gotta use words. But if not God, what?
So you are God, too, are you?
You as well.
I don’t aim so high, I assure you.
Stupid. You don’t have a choice.
Well, well. Have a nice rest. I’ll tell Doctor X that I think you are getting on nicely. I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ll be in charge of you for a few days. Doctor X is going away for a holiday.
Doctor X?
He saw you yesterday. You said you saw him.
You can’t see him. I told you. He’s not there.
You can see me, can you?
Oh yes, very clear indeed.
But not Doctor X?
No, he’s solid all through. He’s all animal without light. No light. No God. No sun.
I wouldn’t say that, you know.
Do you know? Can you see? From there, where light is? From there Doctor X would not be at all. Only those with light can be seen from the country of light. You would be seen there, yes. Your light burns, it is a small steady light.
What light?
Star light.
Well, thanks. But I do think you are being hard on poor Doctor X. He tries to help you. According to his lights.
There you are, that’s what I said. It doesn’t matter what he says or does. He’s not in existence. I can’t see him if I don’t try to very hard.
Ah well, see you tomorrow then.
Patient has religious delusions. Paranoic. Disassociated. I think he is more coherent however. Have not yet heard from Mrs. Watkins.
DOCTOR Y.
DEAR DOCTOR Y.,
Thank you for so very kindly writing and explaining to me about my husband. I was rather upset after Doctor X’s telephone call because I am rather ignorant about mental health and he didn’t tell me very much. But I do understand that if my husband lost his memory there isn’t much to tell. I don’t know any particular reason why my husband should be “under stress” as you put it. Not any more than usual. But I wouldn’t necessarily be the one to know. I don’t pry into my husband’s affairs. So I wouldn’t know if something has upset him very much or anything like that. The reason why I didn’t tell the police when I didn’t hear from him is that he sometimes does things on his own and he would resent it if I interfered. I think it would be better if you asked Jeremy Thorne of 122 Rose Road, Little Minchener, nr. Cambridge, as he knows much more about my husband’s plans