Bright Air - Barry Maitland [9]
‘Yes.’ It was the drink, I suppose, but I felt a desperate need surge up to talk about this, to confess. ‘I … I don’t think I ever really faced up to the reality of it at the time, you see. I went to London that August, remember, the month before they left for the island? Then, when the accident happened, Anna tried to let me know through Dad, who sent me a letter, only he used my first address in London and I’d already moved on. So it was actually early November when I heard, and by then it was all over. I was very shocked, of course. I felt helpless, but also … Well, it just seemed so unreal. I mean, people don’t tend to plunge a hundred metres into shark-infested waters in London. It seemed preposterous, somehow. I couldn’t really talk it over with anyone, talk through how I felt. So I just smothered it up, tried not to feel anything at all.’
This was getting sticky, and I warned myself to shut up.
‘Lucy was very special,’ Mary said, and the warmth in her voice, and the use of her proper name, felt like an unconscious rebuke, as if to say that my appreciation of her had been rather inadequate. Well it had, and I felt the tears climbing up the back of my throat again. I coughed, and tried to pull myself together. ‘The service was very moving,’ she went on. ‘So many people.’
‘Where was it?’ I realised I had no idea.
‘In Orange, where she came from. The family seemed to be highly regarded. Well, the country, you know, they stick together at times like that.’
‘I remember you told me you went.’
‘Yes. It was a good trip. I stayed overnight. I thought I should, well, represent us.’
Me, she meant, and I began to suspect that she had understood more about me and Luce, and about what I should have felt and should have done, than I had realised.
‘What do you think I should do now?’ I asked her.
‘Is there anyone else you can talk to?’
The obvious people were Damien and Marcus, of course, the remaining members of the group, but I wasn’t sure how they’d react to revisiting what must have been a very painful experience. ‘Not really.’
‘I think you need time to come to terms with this, Josh.’
‘Yes.’ What I really wanted, I suspected, was for Anna to just go away and leave me alone. ‘Curtis and Owen’s funerals are on Tuesday. I’ll be seeing Anna again then.’
‘It must have been very hard for her, dealing with this on her own. I’m sure it will reassure her to be able to talk it through with you. And maybe vice versa, eh?’
She patted my knee and I nodded. Mary’s sympathy was consoling, but part of me resented it. For four years I’d made my own way in the world, about as far from home as you could get. One thing I felt I didn’t need was mothering.
‘Fair enough,’ I said gruffly, and got to my feet, correcting for a slight unsteadiness.
In the hall we encountered the judge and Socrates again.
‘Ah, Mary. How was bridge?’
‘A bit strained tonight, Rory, I’m afraid. My usual partner didn’t turn up and I had to play with someone who had some rather odd ideas about bidding.’
‘Oh dear.’ He regarded me suspiciously, frowning at the empty glass in my hand, and it occurred to me that perhaps the judge didn’t like me. Maybe I was in the way.
‘I’ll make your warm milk, Rory,’ Mary said, and he beamed. I thought of the murderer in his cell at that moment, awaiting the fate that Rory would perhaps finalise over his warm milk, and felt a little chill. ‘Why on earth are you only wearing one slipper?’ Mary added.
‘Ah yes.’ The judge gazed at his feet in some bemusement. ‘I seem to have mislaid the other one. I rather thought I might check Socrates’ basket.’
‘Good idea. Come along.’
I found it hard to get to sleep that night. My mind put images to the bald descriptions in the newspaper cuttings: the cliffs of Mount Gower, the rocky shelf, the projecting outcrop behind which Luce had disappeared, the scramble when they heard her cry out … And Owen’s words, It didn’t happen that