Cambridge Pieces [20]
It should more carefully its chapels keep, And not make noises to disturb our sleep By having suppers and at early hours Raising its lungs unto their utmost powers. We'll put it, if it makes a noise again, On gatesey patsems at the hour of ten; And leafy peafy it will turn I'm sure, And never vex its own dear Sharpey more.
II
SCENE.--The Court of St. John's College, Cambridge. Enter the two Deans on their way to morning chapel.
JUNIOR DEAN. Brother, I am much pleased with Samuel Butler, I have observed him mightily of late; Methinks that in his melancholy walk And air subdued whene'er he meeteth me Lurks something more than in most other men.
SENIOR DEAN. It is a good young man. I do bethink me That once I walked behind him in the cloister; He saw me not, but whispered to his fellow: "Of all men who do dwell beneath the moon I love and reverence most the senior Dean."
JUNIOR DEAN. One thing is passing strange, and yet I know not How to condemn it, but in one plain brief word He never comes to Sunday morning chapel. Methinks he teacheth in some Sunday-school, Feeding the poor and starveling intellect With wholesome knowledge, or on the Sabbath morn He loves the country and the neighbouring spire Of Madingley or Coton, or perchance Amid some humble poor he spends the day, Conversing with them, learning all their cares, Comforting them and easing them in sickness.
SENIOR DEAN. I will advance him to some public post, He shall be chapel clerk, some day a Fellow, Some day perhaps a Dean, but as thou say'st He is indeed an excellent young man -
Enter BUTLER suddenly, without a coat or anything on his head, rushing through the cloisters, bearing a cup, a bottle of cider, four lemons, two nutmegs, half a pound of sugar and a nutmeg grater.
Curtain falls on the confusion of BUTLER and the horror-stricken dismay of the two Deans.
THE BATTLE OF ALMA MATER
I
The Temperance commissioners In awful conclave sat, Their noses into this to poke To poke them into that - In awful conclave sat they, And swore a solemn oath, That snuff should make no Briton sneeze, That smokers all to smoke should cease, They swore to conquer both.
II
Forth went a great Teetotaller, With pamphlet armed and pen, He travelled east, he travelled west, Tobacco to condemn. At length to Cantabrigia, To move her sons to shame, Foredoomed to chaff and insult, That gallant hero came.
III
'Tis Friday: to the Guildhall Come pouring in apace The gownsmen and the townsmen Right thro' the market place - They meet, these bitter foemen Not enemies but friends - Then fearless to the rostrum, The Lecturer ascends.
IV
He cursed the martyr'd Raleigh, He cursed the mild cigar, He traced to pipe and cabbage leaf Consumption and catarrh; He railed at simple bird's-eye, By freshmen only tried, And with rude and bitter jest assailed The yard of clay beside.
V
When suddenly full twenty pipes, And weeds full twenty more Were seen to rise at signal, Where none were seen before. No mouth but puffed out gaily A cloud of yellow fume, And merrily the curls of smoke Went circling 'thro the room.
VI
In vain th' indignant mayor harangued, A mighty chandler he! While peas his hoary head around They whistled pleasantly. In vain he tenderly inquired, 'Mid many a wild "hurrah!" "Of this what father dear would think, Of that what dear mamma?"
VII
In rushed a host of peelers, With a sergeant at the head, Jaggard to every kitchen known, Of missuses the dread. In rushed that warlike multitude, Like bees from out their hive, With Fluffy of the squinting eye, And fighting No. 5.
VIII
Up sprang Inspector Fluffy, Up Sergeant Jaggard rose, And playfully with staff he tapped A gownsman on the nose. As falls a thundersmitten oak, The valiant Jaggard fell, With a line above each ogle, And a "mouse" or two as well.
IX
But hark! the cry is "Smuffkins! And loud the gownsmen cheer, And lo! a stalwart Johnian Comes jostling
II
SCENE.--The Court of St. John's College, Cambridge. Enter the two Deans on their way to morning chapel.
JUNIOR DEAN. Brother, I am much pleased with Samuel Butler, I have observed him mightily of late; Methinks that in his melancholy walk And air subdued whene'er he meeteth me Lurks something more than in most other men.
SENIOR DEAN. It is a good young man. I do bethink me That once I walked behind him in the cloister; He saw me not, but whispered to his fellow: "Of all men who do dwell beneath the moon I love and reverence most the senior Dean."
JUNIOR DEAN. One thing is passing strange, and yet I know not How to condemn it, but in one plain brief word He never comes to Sunday morning chapel. Methinks he teacheth in some Sunday-school, Feeding the poor and starveling intellect With wholesome knowledge, or on the Sabbath morn He loves the country and the neighbouring spire Of Madingley or Coton, or perchance Amid some humble poor he spends the day, Conversing with them, learning all their cares, Comforting them and easing them in sickness.
SENIOR DEAN. I will advance him to some public post, He shall be chapel clerk, some day a Fellow, Some day perhaps a Dean, but as thou say'st He is indeed an excellent young man -
Enter BUTLER suddenly, without a coat or anything on his head, rushing through the cloisters, bearing a cup, a bottle of cider, four lemons, two nutmegs, half a pound of sugar and a nutmeg grater.
Curtain falls on the confusion of BUTLER and the horror-stricken dismay of the two Deans.
THE BATTLE OF ALMA MATER
I
The Temperance commissioners In awful conclave sat, Their noses into this to poke To poke them into that - In awful conclave sat they, And swore a solemn oath, That snuff should make no Briton sneeze, That smokers all to smoke should cease, They swore to conquer both.
II
Forth went a great Teetotaller, With pamphlet armed and pen, He travelled east, he travelled west, Tobacco to condemn. At length to Cantabrigia, To move her sons to shame, Foredoomed to chaff and insult, That gallant hero came.
III
'Tis Friday: to the Guildhall Come pouring in apace The gownsmen and the townsmen Right thro' the market place - They meet, these bitter foemen Not enemies but friends - Then fearless to the rostrum, The Lecturer ascends.
IV
He cursed the martyr'd Raleigh, He cursed the mild cigar, He traced to pipe and cabbage leaf Consumption and catarrh; He railed at simple bird's-eye, By freshmen only tried, And with rude and bitter jest assailed The yard of clay beside.
V
When suddenly full twenty pipes, And weeds full twenty more Were seen to rise at signal, Where none were seen before. No mouth but puffed out gaily A cloud of yellow fume, And merrily the curls of smoke Went circling 'thro the room.
VI
In vain th' indignant mayor harangued, A mighty chandler he! While peas his hoary head around They whistled pleasantly. In vain he tenderly inquired, 'Mid many a wild "hurrah!" "Of this what father dear would think, Of that what dear mamma?"
VII
In rushed a host of peelers, With a sergeant at the head, Jaggard to every kitchen known, Of missuses the dread. In rushed that warlike multitude, Like bees from out their hive, With Fluffy of the squinting eye, And fighting No. 5.
VIII
Up sprang Inspector Fluffy, Up Sergeant Jaggard rose, And playfully with staff he tapped A gownsman on the nose. As falls a thundersmitten oak, The valiant Jaggard fell, With a line above each ogle, And a "mouse" or two as well.
IX
But hark! the cry is "Smuffkins! And loud the gownsmen cheer, And lo! a stalwart Johnian Comes jostling