Candle in the Darkness - Lynn N. Austin [180]
“That don’t matter,” he said. “God needs people to do all kind of things, big and small. Just tell us what’s on your heart.”
“Well . . . I want to be able to cook again, to have me some food in this kitchen so I can feed the people I love. I want to have my son, Josiah, home. And I want to watch this little grandbaby of mine grow up into a man. That’s all.”
“Those are fine things to wish for,” Eli said. “How about you, Gilbert?”
He stared down at his plate for so long that Caroline didn’t think this normally quiet man was going to share his thoughts with the others. When he finally did, he surprised her.
“I’m praying that your daddy comes back, Missy Caroline. And that when he does . . . well, I’d like to get a job working on one of his ships. I ain’t never seen the ocean before. I’d like to sail down to one of them islands where the sugarcane grows. I hear they got some pretty colored women living down there, and I’d like to find me a wife.”
Luella was next. She spoke without ever looking up at anyone, blushing the entire time. “I promised Gus that I would marry him when we free. Gus use to drive for Missy Sally before he run off. He gonna find us a place to live and come back for me.”
Caroline winced at this reminder of Sally and Charles—and at her own ignorance of her servants’ lives. During all those years that the St. Johns had visited her home, Caroline had never guessed that their driver and Luella were falling in love.
“Gus a good man,” Eli said. “He’ll keep his word. . . . Tell us what you wishing for, Ruby.”
She shook her head. “Can’t recall ever wishing for anything, Eli. I took care of your mama, Missy Caroline, now I taking care you. I’d like to take care your babies and grandbabies if you let me.”
Caroline fought back tears. “I’d like that, too, Ruby,” she said. But she had no hope of ever loving another man besides Charles. Nor could she envision a future with children of her own for Ruby to care for.
Tessie spoke next. “I’m praying that my boy Grady come home,” she began.
“How old that boy be now?” Esther asked.
“Almost twenty. I still think of him as my boy, but he a man already. And, of course, I want Josiah to come home, too. I just want us all to live together for once in our lives—me and Josiah and Grady and Isaac. And to never have to be apart again. Missy Caroline, you my child, too, so I hoping Ruby will let me share some of your babies and grandbabies.”
“Sure can,” Ruby said. “Every child in the world need two grandmas.”
Caroline smiled, even though she didn’t dare to share her servants’ dreams. She remembered a night in Philadelphia, long ago, when her cousin Julia had hugged her pillow in the dark, pretending it was her husband. Caroline had tried it but found that the pillow had no face, that there was no one she could imagine marrying. Years later, that was still true. When she tried to picture Charles’ face, she saw it as she’d seen it last, his eyes filled with anger and the pain of her betrayal.
After a moment, Caroline noticed that the kitchen had gone quiet. She looked up. “How about you, honey?” Tessie asked her.
“I wish that the war would end,” Caroline said, her voice hoarse.
“Amen. But how about after that?” Eli asked gently.
Caroline brushed away a tear. She had prayed that Charles would live, and God had answered. In her deepest heart, all she wanted was for Charles to forgive her, to love her as he once had. But that wasn’t going to happen. A year ago she had begun to let go of that dream when she gave her wedding dress to Sally. No other dream had taken its place.
“I pray that my father comes home safely,” she finally said. “And my cousin Jonathan, too . . . I really haven’t thought much beyond that.”
“All right,” Eli said. “Let’s all pray . . . Massa Jesus, you see our dreams and know our hearts. You hold our futures in your hand. We can pray ‘Thy will be done’ with joy in our hearts because there’s hope in that prayer—hope that because you love us, your will is the very best thing for us. Take our dreams and your dreams for us, Lord, and make them one and