Candle in the Darkness - Lynn N. Austin [36]
“Why don’t we say . . . at least until the school term ends in June,” Aunt Martha said. “That’s only four months away. Then we can see how you feel about staying longer.”
In the end I agreed to go. I didn’t seem to have much choice. Aunt Martha wanted to leave by the end of the week, which didn’t give Tessie much time to pack our things.
“I’ve never ridden on a train before, have you?” I asked Tessie the night before we were scheduled to leave.
“No, I sure ain’t never been on any train.” Her voice sounded muffled, coming from inside the huge steamer trunk she was bending over.
“Are you excited, Tessie?”
She straightened, still holding a pile of folded clothes in her hands. She looked puzzled. “Excited? I ain’t going on the train with you, Missy.”
“What?”
“Oh, child . . . didn’t they tell you? I staying here. I thought you knew.”
I ran from the room, raced down the curved stairs, and barged into my father’s library without knocking.
“I’ve changed my mind,” I told him. “I don’t want to go to Philadelphia.”
It took him a moment to recover from my outburst. He looked disoriented, disheveled, the glass in his hand nearly empty. His shirtfront was wrinkled and stained, his usually neat hair unkempt, his face flushed. “It’s too late now. I’ve purchased your train ticket, made all the traveling arrangements, notified the school. You’re going to Philadelphia.”
“You didn’t tell me Tessie wasn’t coming. I don’t want to go without Tessie.”
He looked away. “Well, I’m sorry, but Tessie can’t go. It’s out of the question.”
“Why? Why can’t she go?”
He tried to relight his cigar, but his hands shook so badly he couldn’t strike the match. “People do things differently up north. They don’t have Negro mammies, for one thing. And they don’t care very much for people who do. The abolitionists and free Negroes will fill her head with crazy talk about running away.”
“Tessie would never run away from me.”
“Don’t be too sure. It’s different up there, you’ll see. Tessie would be out of place, like a fish out of water. Ever see what happens when you take a fish out of water?”
“I need Tessie—”
“No! I need her here!” He picked up the whiskey bottle, sloshing it all over his desk as he poured another drink. This man wasn’t my daddy. I couldn’t bear to watch him toss back his head and drain the glass. I stalked to the door.
“You’re sixteen now,” he said as I reached it. “It’s time you outgrew your mammy.”
I stumbled up the stairs, trying not to cry. I was afraid that if I started I wouldn’t be able to stop again. I would never outgrow my mammy. Hadn’t Ruby been my mother’s mammy all her life?
Tessie came to me as soon as I walked into the room. Her beautiful face was etched with concern. She rubbed my shoulders and stroked my hair, murmuring, “I thought you knew, baby. I thought they told you.”
“Would you be a fish out of water if you went with me?” I asked, still fighting my tears.
“Is that what your daddy say?”
“Yes. And he said he needs you here.” Her hands froze. She looked at me with an odd expression on her face, but it passed before I could define it.
“Your girl cousins won’t have mammies in Philadelphia,” she said, her hands caressing my shoulders again. “They be jealous of you if I there to fuss all over you. Best thing for you is to fit in, do like they do when you up north.”
“But I’ll miss you!”
She pulled me close, hugging me so tightly I could scarcely breathe. I heard sniffing and knew she was crying, too.
“Baby, you like my own child since the day you was born. I couldn’t love you more if you my own flesh and blood. But you just about all grown up now. You be wanting a husband to share you room one these days, not an old colored woman like me.”
I hugged her tightly in return, my tears finally falling. “You’re not old at all. And I’ll always want you with me, forever and ever.”
But the mention of a husband reminded me that Tessie was secretly married to Josiah. They saw each other only rarely,