Candle in the Darkness - Lynn N. Austin [92]
Mrs. St. John finished her little speech with a prim smile, then turned to one of her maidservants. “You may serve us our tea now, Katy.”
When the grueling afternoon finally ended, I returned home, ashamed. Today was only the sewing society’s first meeting; I would have to return tomorrow and the next day, working several times a week until the shortage of uniforms eased. I would have to face the same women, the same questions. Mrs. Taylor’s suspicions would be confirmed if I didn’t return to support the Southern cause. And I couldn’t lie to myself and vow to speak out bravely the next time. I would be just as cowardly tomorrow and the day after as I had been today.
Tessie wisely said nothing on the way home. As ashamed as I was of my behavior, I knew that the only way I was ever going to figure out what to do about it was to talk to Eli. I remained inside the carriage after Tessie climbed down. I stayed until Gilbert drove us inside the carriage house and unhitched the horses. When all the others were gone, Eli ducked into the back of the carriage and sat down beside me.
“You planning on sleeping out here?” he asked gently.
I nodded, biting my lip to keep from crying.
“Must be something awful bad happen if you gonna be living in the barn from now on.”
“I don’t know where I should live, Eli.” My tears began to fall, but Eli waited, patient as always, until I could speak. “Some people up north are working so hard to end slavery,” I finally said. “John Brown may have been misguided, but at least he put his convictions into action, even though it cost him his life. I want to help end slavery, too, but everyone else in Richmond is working very hard to keep it. I don’t want to leave my home, but as long as I’m living here and working alongside the other women, I feel like I’m condoning slavery—like I’m helping their cause.”
“You want to tell me what happen today?”
“One of the women came right out and asked me, in front of all the others, how I felt about slavery, if I thought it was an evil institution. I didn’t answer her, Eli. I’m so ashamed of myself now. I wasn’t afraid to tell Charles how I felt, but today I didn’t say anything at all to those women. Not one word.”
His mouth twitched with a playful smile. “Tell you the truth, I’d rather face Massa Charles any day than a whole roomful of women.” He made me smile in spite of the situation, but my guilt quickly returned.
“It’s worse than that. They were talking about a new law the city council passed. Citizens are supposed to report people who sympathize with the North. Anyone who’s against slavery might be a spy and could be arrested.”
“That what would happen if you spoke out today? They throw you in jail?”
“I don’t know. But I was afraid someone would report me as a suspicious person. I was scared.” I continued staring down at my lap, twisting my hands, too ashamed to face him. “When I first came back to Richmond I was committed to speaking out. I wanted to serve God—but now I feel like I’ve let Him down. I’m nothing but a coward.”
Eli sighed. “That ain’t no surprise to God, Missy Caroline. He know exactly what’s inside each one of us. Now you know it, too. And that’s good.”
“How is that good?”
“The Bible ask if a leopard can change its spots? Answer is no. Leopard can’t change its spots—unless couple things happen. First, that leopard has to look in a mirror and see her spots need changing. Then she has to figure out she can’t change them all by herself. But God sure can.”
“So . . . I should pray for courage? Then what, Eli?” I finally lifted my head, looking up into his gentle brown eyes. “Maybe I’ll be brave enough to give my opinion tomorrow, but what if Helen Taylor reports me and I end up getting arrested? What good will I be to God in jail? Maybe I should have stayed in Philadelphia, where people don’t have