Carpe Jugulum - Terry Pratchett [25]
“Either there’s a lot of vampires in these parts or we’re doing something wrong,” said Agnes flatly.
“I’ve always said you can’t have too much garlic,” said Nanny.
“Everyone else disagrees, Nanny.”
“All right, then. What else…ah! All vampires wear evening dress in the evenings.”
“Everyone here is wearing some kind of evening dress, Nanny. Except us.”
Nanny Ogg looked down. “This is the dress I always wear in the evenin’.”
“Vampires aren’t supposed to show up in a mirror, are they?” said Agnes.
Nanny snapped her fingers. “Good thinking!” she said. “There’s one in the lavvie. I’ll kind of hover in there. Everyone’s got to go sooner or later.”
“But what if a man comes in?”
“Oh, I won’t mind,” said Nanny dismissively. “I won’t be embarrassed.”
“I think there may be objections,” said Agnes, trying to ignore the mental picture just conjured up. Nanny had a pleasant grin, but there had to be times when you didn’t want it looking at you.
“We’ve got to do something. Supposing Granny were to turn up now, what would she think?” said Nanny.
“We could just ask,” said Agnes.
“What? ‘Hands up all vampires’?”
“Ladies?”
They turned. The young man who had introduced himself as Vlad was approaching.
Agnes began to blush.
“I think you were talking about vampires,” he said, taking a garlic pasty from Agnes’s tray and biting into it with every sign of enjoyment. “Could I be of assistance?”
Nanny looked him up and down.
“Do you know much about them?” she said.
“Well, I am one,” he said. “So I suppose the answer is yes. Charmed to meet you, Mrs. Ogg.” He bowed, and reached for her hand.
“Oh no you don’t!” said Nanny, snatching it away. “I don’t hold with bloodsuckers!”
“I know. But I’m sure you shall in time. Would you like to come and meet my family?”
“They can bugger off! What was the King thinking of?”
“Nanny!” snapped Agnes.
“What?”
“You don’t have to shout like that. It’s not very…polite. I don’t think—”
“Vlad de Magpyr,” said Vlad, bowing.
“—is going to bite my neck!” shouted Nanny.
“Of course not,” said Vlad. “We had some sort of bandit earlier. Mrs. Ogg is, I suspect, a meal to be savored. Any more of these garlic things? They’re rather piquant.”
“You what?” said Nanny.
“You just…killed someone?” said Agnes.
“Of course. We are vampires,” said Vlad. “Or, we prefer, vampyres. With a ‘y.’ It’s more modern. Now, do come and meet my father.”
“You actually killed someone?” said Agnes.
“Right! That’s it!” snarled Nanny, marching away. “I’m getting Shawn and he’s gonna come back with a big sharp—”
Vlad coughed quietly. Nanny stopped.
“There are several other things people know about vampires,” he said. “And one is that they have considerable control over the minds of lesser creatures. So forget all about vampires, dear ladies. That is an order. And do come and meet my family.”
Agnes blinked. She was aware that there had been…something. She could feel the tail of it, slipping away between her fingers.
“Seems a nice young man,” said Nanny, in a mildly stunned voice.
“I…he…yes,” said Agnes.
Something surfaced in her mind, like a message in a bottle written indistinctly in some foreign language. She tried, but she could not read it.
“I wish Granny were here,” she said at last. “She’d know what to do.”
“What about?” said Nanny. “She ain’t good at parties.”
“I feel a bit…odd,” said Agnes.
“Ah, could be the drink,” said Nanny.
“I haven’t had any!”
“No? Well, there’s the problem right there. Come on.”
They hurried into the hall. Even though it was now well after midnight, the noise level was approaching the pain threshold. When the midnight hour lies on the glass like a big cocktail onion, there’s always an extra edge to the laughter.
Vlad gave them an encouraging wave and beckoned them over to a group around King Verence.
“Ah, Agnes and Nanny,” said the King, “Count, may I present—”
“Gytha Ogg and Agnes Nitt,