Catch-22 - Heller, Joseph [39]
‘I may be stupid,’ interrupted the colonel, ‘but the distinction escapes me. I guess I am pretty stupid, because the distinction escapes me.’
‘W—’
‘You’re a windy son of a bitch, aren’t you? Nobody asked you for clarification and you’re giving me clarification. I was making a statement, not asking for clarification. You are a windy son of a bitch, aren’t you?’
‘No, Sir.’
‘No, sir? Are you calling me a goddam liar?’
‘Oh, no, sir.’
‘Then you’re a windy son of a bitch, aren’t you?’
‘No, sir.’
‘Are you a windy son of a bitch?’
‘No, sir.’
‘Goddammit, you are trying to pick a fight with me. For two stinking cents I’d jump over this big fat table and rip your stinking, cowardly body apart limb from limb.’
‘Do it! Do it!’ cried Major Metcalf ‘Metcalf, you stinking son of a bitch. Didn’t I tell you to keep your stinking, cowardly, stupid mouth shut?’
‘Yes, sir. I’m sorry, sir.’
‘Then suppose you do it.’
‘I was only trying to learn, sir. The only way a person can learn is by trying.’
‘Who says so?’
‘Everybody says so, sir. Even Lieutenant Scheisskopf says so.’
‘Do you say so?’
‘Yes, sir,’ said Lieutenant Scheisskopf. ‘But everybody says so.’
‘Well, Metcalf, suppose you try keeping that stupid mouth of yours shut, and maybe that’s the way you’ll learn how. Now, where were we? Read me back the last line.’
‘ “Read me back the last line,” ‘ read back the corporal who could take shorthand.
‘Not my last line, stupid!’ the colonel shouted. ‘Somebody else’s.’
‘ “Read me back the last line,” ‘ read back the corporal.
‘That’s my last line again!’ shrieked the colonel, turning purple with anger.
‘Oh, no, sir,’ corrected the corporal. ‘That’s my last line. I read it to you just a moment ago. Don’t you remember, sir? It was only a moment ago.’
‘Oh, my God! Read me back his last line, stupid. Say, what the hell’s your name, anyway?’
‘Popinjay, sir.’
‘Well, you’re next, Popinjay. As soon as his trial ends, your trial begins. Get it?’
‘Yes, sir. What will I be charged with?’
‘What the hell difference does that make? Did you hear what he asked me? You’re going to learn, Popinjay—the minute we finish with Clevinger you’re going to learn. Cadet Clevinger, what did—You are Cadet Clevinger, aren’t you, and not Popinjay?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Good. What did—’
‘I’m Popinjay, sir.’
‘Popinjay, is your father a millionaire, or a member of the Senate?’
‘No, sir.’
‘Then you’re up shit creek, Popinjay, without a paddle. He’s not a general or a high-ranking member of the Administration, is he?’
‘No, sir.’
‘That’s good. What does your father do?’
‘He’s dead, sir.’
‘That’s very good. You really are up the creek, Popinjay. Is Popinjay really your name? Just what the hell kind of a name is Popinjay anyway? I don’t like it.’
‘It’s Popinjay’s name, sir,’ Lieutenant Scheisskopf explained.
‘Well, I don’t like it, Popinjay, and I just can’t wait to rip your stinking, cowardly body apart limb from limb. Cadet Clevinger, will you please repeat what the hell it was you did or didn’t whisper to Yossarian late last night in the latrine?’
‘Yes, sir. I said that you couldn’t find me guilty—’
‘We’ll take it from there. Precisely what did you mean, Cadet Clevinger, when you said we couldn’t find you guilty?’
‘I didn’t say you couldn’t find me guilty, sir.’
‘When?’
‘When what, sir?’
‘Goddammit, are you going to start pumping me again?’
‘No, sir. I’m sorry, sir.’
‘Then answer the question. When didn’t you say we couldn’t find you guilty?’
‘Late last night in the latrine, sir.’
‘Is that the only time you didn’t say it?’
‘No, sir. I always didn’t say you couldn’t find me guilty, sir. What I did say to Yossarian was—’
‘Nobody asked you what you did say to Yossarian. We asked you what you didn’t say to him. We’re not at all interested in what you did say to Yossarian. Is that clear?’
‘Yes, sir.’
‘Then we’ll go on. What did you say to Yossarian?’
‘I said to him, sir, that you couldn’t find me guilty of the offense with which I am charged and still be faithful to the cause of…’
‘Of what? You’re