Catch-22 - Heller, Joseph [79]
‘There he is,’ Aarfy orated funereally, pointing down dramatically at a hay wagon and two horses standing before the barn of a gray stone farmhouse. ‘Smashed to bits. I guess their numbers were all up.’ Yossarian swore at Aarfy again and continued searching intently, cold with a compassionate kind of fear now for the little bouncy and bizarre buck-toothed tentmate who had smashed Appleby’s forehead open with a ping-pong racket and who was scaring the daylights out of Yossarian once again. At last Yossarian spotted the two-engined, twin-ruddered plane as it flew out of the green background of the forests over a field of yellow farmland. One of the propellers was feathered and perfectly still, but the plane was maintaining altitude and holding a proper course. Yossarian muttered an unconscious prayer of thankfulness and then flared up at Orr savagely in a ranting fusion of resentment and relief.
‘That bastard!’ he began. ‘That goddam stunted, red-faced, big-cheeked, curly-headed, buck-toothed rat bastard son of a bitch!’
‘What?’ said Aarfy.
‘That dirty goddam midget-assed, apple-cheeked, goggle-eyed, undersized, buck-toothed, grinning, crazy sonofabitchin-bastard!’ Yossarian sputtered.
‘What?’
‘Never mind!’
‘I still can’t hear you,’ Aarfy answered.
Yossarian swung himself around methodically to face Aarfy. ‘You prick,’ he began.
‘Me?’
‘You pompous, rotund, neighborly, vacuous, complacent…’ Aarfy was unperturbed. Calmly he struck a wooden match and sucked noisily at his pipe with an eloquent air of benign and magnanimous forgiveness. He smiled sociably and opened his mouth to speak. Yossarian put his hand over Aarfy’s mouth and pushed him away wearily. He shut his eyes and pretended to sleep all the way back to the field so that he would not have to listen to Aarfy or see him.
At the briefing room Yossarian made his intelligence report to Captain Black and then waited in muttering suspense with all the others until Orr chugged into sight overhead finally with his one good engine still keeping him aloft gamely. Nobody breathed. Orr’s landing gear would not come down. Yossarian hung around only until Orr had crash-landed safely, and then stole the first jeep he could find with a key in the ignition and raced back to his tent to begin packing feverishly for the emergency rest leave he had decided to take in Rome, where he found Luciana and her invisible scar that same night.
Catch-22
Luciana
He found Luciana sitting alone at a table in the Allied officers’ night club, where the drunken Anzac major who had brought her there had been stupid enough to desert her for the ribald company of some singing comrades at the bar.
‘All right, I’ll dance with you,’ she said, before Yossarian could even speak. ‘But I won’t let you sleep with me.’
‘Who asked you?’ Yossarian asked her.
‘You don’t want to sleep with me?’ she exclaimed with surprise.
‘I don’t want to dance with you.’ She seized Yossarian’s hand and pulled him out on the dance floor. She was a worse dancer than even he was, but she threw herself about to the synthetic jitterbug music with more uninhibited pleasure than he had ever observed until he felt his legs falling asleep with boredom and yanked her off the dance floor toward the table at which the girl he should have been screwing was still sitting tipsily with one hand around Aarfy’s neck, her orange satin blouse still hanging open slovenly below her full white lacy brassière as she made dirty sex talk ostentatiously with Huple, Orr, Kid Sampson and Hungry Joe. Just as he reached them, Luciana gave him a forceful, unexpected shove that carried them both well beyond the table, so that they were still alone. She was a tall, earthy, exuberant girl with long hair and a pretty face, a buxom, delightful, flirtatious girl.
‘All right,’ she said, ‘I will let you buy me dinner. But I won’t let you sleep with me.’
‘Who asked you?’ Yossarian asked with surprise.
‘You don’t want to sleep with me?’
‘I don’t want to buy you dinner.’ She pulled him out of the night