Cate of the Lost Colony - Lisa Klein [42]
He turned to me and replied, “You have Ralegh, that horse’s ass, to thank for your doubtful and dangerous freedom.”
Chapter 16
From the Papers of Sir Walter Ralegh
Memorandum
13 March 1587. C.A. was a very foolish maid not to destroy those letters and then to defy Her Majesty. I know where I must worship and how to pray for mercy, and thus was spared the Tower. Then, to my surprise, she gave me Babington’s estates, which even I expected Walsingham to receive. He falls while I rise; such is the way of this world. The income will permit me to send more colonists to Virginia.
The bigger prize, the captaincy of her guard, seems to me more punishment than reward. It keeps me at the queen’s side like a dog on a chain. The other night she called upon me to scratch her back, saying she had an itch that could not be satisfied. What could be more humiliating? Yet this would be a most desirable office were my C.A. nearby. Think how easily we might meet, even pass the night together.
Ah, my mistress knows exactly what she does. She keeps C.A. locked up to punish me.
25 March. Today I have been so altered in my thinking I hardly know myself anymore.
The maid called Emme has been continually frowning at me, and I was determined to know the reason. So, passing her in the hall, I asked if her lovely forehead pained her.
“’Tis the sight of you that pains me,” she said. Then she drew me into the empty wardrobe, where she began to denounce me as a rank opportunist and a villain. “My friend languishes in the Tower while you proudly prance around here in your new livery,” she said, with a disdainful eye toward my suit.
I defended myself, saying Lady Catherine’s indiscretion had caused the queen to be embarrassed, and once Her Majesty’s mood recovered, she would no doubt return.
“And how long will that be, for one who is innocent? The indiscretion was all yours, Sir Walter Ralegh,” she said, scorning my very name. “My friend loved you truly, but you only feigned your love in verses.”
I admit she startled me. “She loved me, you say? But she refused my kisses. We barely touched one another.”
“An honorable man considers the lack of looseness to be a virtue in a woman,” Emme said coldly.
I thought I knew the marks of love in a woman: the desiring looks, the coy refusals followed by the revelation of a bit of the breast. Now I am not sure. Catherine is not like any woman I know.
“Sir Walter, right now you should be at the queen’s feet, begging her mercy on Catherine’s behalf. I am forbidden to speak about her, but you are so close to Her Majesty’s heart you could ask her for anything.” Every word of hers rebuked me most harshly.
I thought of the estates and other favors that could yet be withdrawn, putting the Virginia expedition at risk, if I displeased my queen now. As I hesitated Emme struck again.
“Do you know Catherine stood before the queen and proclaimed her love for you? Was that not brave? Had you a similar courage, you might be a man worthy of her love. But you are not.”
She pushed me out of the wardrobe and into the hallway, where I stood as if paralyzed.
Now I cannot sleep. I see my Catherine resolute before the queen, defying her with her words. Like a fool expecting the king to see truth in his antics. I did not know the maid possessed such greatness of mind.
What could she gain by her defiance? Nothing. She lost everything rather than deny her love for me. I must adore her for it, though she despise me. Indeed I despise myself. I threw her into the lion’s den while I sat at a fine table feeding my self-regard. I deserve to be flayed alive.
I swear, never again will I, Sir Walter Ralegh, be such a damnable villain in matters of love, but behave with the highest honor.
Poem
That pearl I careless cast away
Now o’er my heart asserts her sway,
And I am vowed, at any cost
To revive her trust, that I have lost.
10 April 1587. All my good intentions come to naught before my canny, heartless queen. I meant to deal honorably in the matter of C.A. but was forced into