Charmed Thirds_ A Jessica Darling Novel - Megan McCafferty [60]
“We call him Mini Dub.”
“Why? Because he's got a small penis?”
“No,” I said. Though in my brief handling of it, I did notice his penis was on the petite size. But I hadn't thought of that connotation simply because I had tried not to think about his penis at all because when I did it nauseated me. “It's short for Mini Dubya.”
“Ohhhhhh,” Bridget said, nodding her head.
“I felt like I was promoting tolerance by putting our political differences aside. We would spar with each other on the issues and it was all in fun. To tell you the truth, I kind of admired William in a strange way because his conservative politics were extremely unpopular with most punks, and his punk appearance scared most conservatives. He caught shit from all sides, and he still didn't change to please anyone.”
“But . . . ?”
“But kissing him? That crossed some kind of ideological line that I just shouldn't have crossed. Just thinking about it makes me want to rip out my tongue and scrub it with sandpaper!”
“It would serve you right,” Bridget said firmly.
“Well, he must have felt the same way about kissing me because he started turning purple whenever we crossed paths.”
“Red and blue make purple,” Bridget pointed out.
I groaned and buried my head into the rug.
“Why did you do it?”
“I don't know,” I replied without lifting my head up off the floor.
“You, Miss Psychology Major at Columbia, have had all these months to obsess over every little detail of this huge, probably relationship-ending event, and overanalyze it the way you overanalyze everything, and you're telling me that you don't even have the slightest idea why you did it?”
I shrugged.
And that's when Bridget lost patience with me and said I should spend time alone until I made some sense of the totally insensible thing I had done.
Bridget was right about one thing, as she usually is. I had tried applying my newfound knowledge in trying to come up with an answer to her question. A considerable aspect of social psychology is trying to figure out what internal and external cues influence people to act the way they do. Suffice it to say, I've provided myself with my own case study. Because all actions have numerous motivating factors, any single explanation for my misdeed would be an overgeneralization. And so . . .
A Collection of Theories Trying to Explain Why I Kissed a Republican and Fucked Up My Relationship with Marcus
The Deindividuation Theory: I felt anonymous in the bar mob, wearing my Barnard T-shirt “disguise,” so I kissed a Republican.
The Conformity Theory: I was the only one in my suite who hadn't broken up with or cheated on my high school boyfriend, so I kissed a Republican.
The Passive-Aggressive Theory: I was bothered by Marcus's extensive sexual history and wanted to even things up a little, so I kissed a Republican.
The Aversive Event Theory: I was still reeling from my pregnancy scare, which made my relationship with Marcus feel too intense to handle, so I kissed a Republican.
The Cultural Force Theory: I have been taught by repeated viewings of The Real World that hooking up with someone who isn't my boyfriend is a de facto component of any long-distance relationship, so I kissed a Republican.
The Proximity Theory: I was here and Marcus was three thousand miles away, so I kissed a Republican.
The Cognitive Dissonance Theory: I missed Marcus, and I didn't want to miss him so much anymore, so I kissed a Republican.
The Biological Pull Theory: I recognized that with his good genes and Ivy League education, William could be a better provider for future offspring, so I kissed a Republican.
The Bipartisan Theory: I want liberals and conservatives to work together for the best of this great nation of ours, so I kissed a Republican.
The Immunoglobulin Theory: I was run-down and sniffly, and sexual activity helps boost microbe-fighting antibodies, so I kissed a Republican.
The Sensory Deprivation Theory: I hadn't had any physical contact with the opposite sex for three months, making me desperately crave such contact, so I kissed a Republican.
The Childhood