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He said that we carry around the knowledge of Christ like a treasure in “jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies” (2 Cor. 4:7–10 ESV).

I could relate with that.

The Prozac was not an instant fix-it kind of drug. It was medication, like high blood pressure medication. It treated my symptoms. As I started feeling better, I could then work on the root of the problem and begin to heal from things in the past. It helped me clearly think about how God’s grace applied to me.

I believe that Steven’s success, and the fact that it put both of us in the spotlight, was part of God’s plan to glorify Himself through my struggles and inadequacies. I am the absolute least likely candidate in the world to be a “Christian celebrity wife.” I’ve always wanted to be just like Beth Moore when I grow up . . . so wise in the Word, a prolific speaker, great hair, and in love with Jesus! Or Ruth Graham, married for a lifetime to Billy, spunky and beautifully graceful all at the same time. Or Mother Teresa, who simply lived love through her actions.

But God made me the way He did and gave me the story we’re living. And even though I am not your usual candidate for celebrity wifedom, I believe it is all about showing off His glory. If a lot of people are watching our faith journey, our marriage, and our family because of Steven’s musical success, then that’s great, because it will help to shatter the illusion that Christians are supposed to be perfect.

People need to know that Christian leaders, singers, preachers, writers, whoever, are as cracked and broken as the next person. Maybe more so. Hopefully they are in positions of leadership, though, because they are serious about following Christ, and so people can see that real success in the kingdom of God is not about being strong and looking good and knowing all the right answers. It’s about continually yielding oneself to Jesus and determining to take purposeful little steps of obedience, and the ragged reality that it’s all about God and His grace at work in us.

I still have awfully dark days. I still take medication. I still see a counselor. I wish God would take my depression away. But so far He hasn’t, and perhaps that is because He’s using this as a way to keep me dependent on Him. I have to get my worth from Christ and Christ alone.

It’s a journey. I recognize the dark tides that can push and pull me to places I don’t want to go. So I anchor myself to the One who can take me where I do want to go.

I take a perverse pleasure in so many of the Psalms, and I am so absolutely grateful to God that He would include the wild writings of a guy like David, who clearly had his ups and downs. I can relate with the pain and great sweeps of melancholy in the Psalms. But I can also relate with the way David always returned to his hope in the Lord. His pain was real, but so was his hope. And in spite of being slightly crazy, David knew that the Lord God Himself knew him before he was born. He is the One who will cause our stories to ultimately end secure and well, right in His arms.

I was diagnosed with depression early in 1991. All these years later, I can see how the seeds of hope God planted then would need time to root and grow deeply into the faith that I have in the God of all comfort . . . so I would be able to withstand the terrible storms that would devastate our family in 2008.

“Go There With You”

Words and music by Steven Curtis Chapman

I know you’ve heard me say these words before

But every time I say I love you the words mean something more

I spoke them as a promise right from the start

I said death would be the only thing that could tear us apart

And now that you are standing on the edge of the unknown