Choosing to SEE - Mary Beth Chapman [82]
I’m sitting on the beach with Miss Karen. She loved you so very much and with the pain of your departure she is caring for me very well during my adjustment to the “new normal.” We are in Amelia Beach and it is almost sunset. You would’ve loved the beach because there are lots of waves, shells, flowers, and butterflies. The sand castles you would’ve built would have been enormous!
Mom and Miss Karen came here to talk about you and remember you! We have watched a lot of DVDs and looked at pictures. We have also read Scripture and books. We have so many questions about why you had to leave us so soon.
Mommy has been so sad. I know you wouldn’t want me to be, but I long for the way things were and wonder why they have to be the way they are.
I’m sorry, Maria, so sorry if I should’ve kept a closer eye on you that day. I was too busy, as usual, and excited for the plans of Emily’s wedding. I’ve lived the last five months wondering all of the “what ifs.” Please forgive me.
Willy is sad too. He loved you with all of his heart and would never have done anything to hurt you. He didn’t see you! I know and you know that now, but I wanted to tell you.
Shaoey has been brokenhearted too. She feels like in some way it is her fault for sending you to get Will. She loves you so much! So does Stevey Joy, who misses you terribly! It is like half of her is missing!
Thanksgiving 2008
Maria, this grief I can’t express is deeply personal and isolating. It makes Mommy very sad. Sometimes I can’t breathe it hurts so bad. Everybody has loved on me, but the tears still come. Shaoey and Stevey miss you so much.
By Christmas, I found I did have things I wanted to share with others, so I sat down to write my first Christmas letter without Maria.
December 12, 2008
I have been impressed for quite some time now to write a letter to all of you who have been so present with us in prayer during these last several months as we have grieved and come to terms with the reality that Maria is gone from us, but present with Christ.
We honestly don’t like that very much.
As we enter this Christmas season and all of the festivities that it brings, it also makes the point even louder that one of us is missing. A stocking that won’t be filled, and less presents under the tree.
Maria had a contagious giggle that would fill the room over the wonderment of finding the elf that moves to a different spot every day during the month of December. The reality that the precious laughter of Maria won’t be heard for a while has been a quiet loudness that screams for Jesus to come quickly . . . not as a baby in a humble manger, but as the King of all kings who will wipe all of the confusion and tears from this sad mother’s eyes! I am eagerly anticipating His arrival . . .
As I anticipate Christmas 2008, I have many thoughts flying through my heart and head. The last several days, my mind has not been able to stop thinking about Mary, the mother of Jesus. Pregnant and scared, knowing that the baby she was carrying eventually would pay the ultimate price of His life.
How would I have lived differently if I knew that my time with Maria was going to be this short?
Regretfully, I would have lived much differently. I would have purposely hugged and kissed more. I would have tried to memorize and lock away in my heart certain smells and smiles. I would have colored more and worked less. I would have laughed more and fussed less.
Bedtime wouldn’t have become a chore to check off the list of things to get done. Instead it would have been more of an opportunity to listen about the day and offer whatever words were needed. The swimming pool wouldn’t have been too cold to swim in. The flowers in the garden would have all been picked, and definitely more ice cream would have been consumed!
I wonder what it was like for Mary after her son’s death. I know she saw Him resurrected and was certain of the fact that she would see Him again, but she was still His mom. Mary found favor with God; therefore, she was chosen to be Jesus’ mom. But because God