Coco Chanel_ An Intimate Life - Lisa Chaney [213]
In order to make a life, Gabrielle, when young, had re-created herself, and this had nourished and encouraged her for many years. In her heart, meanwhile, she knew the truth of what haunted her. But lacking that emotional resilience, with time her frantic attempts to throw herself “into something else” through work had grown ever less successful. Even in sleep, her need to forget no longer left Gabrielle, and she was obliged to fill that, too, with work. Finally, worried about embarrassing herself in sleep, Gabrielle told Céline and Lilou that she wanted to be tied down to her bed, leaving her unable to “stray” through the corridors of the Ritz at night.
But the sadness of Gabrielle’s trials was not to end there. One of her favorite models recently remembered that after dinner with Lilou and Gabrielle one evening, she came with them to Gabrielle’s rooms. The model was astonished at the ritual of Gabrielle’s preparations for the night, and watching Lilou and Céline strap her to her bed, she objected, “But are you mad, why are you tying her up, what’s going on?” And Gabrielle told her that recently she’d been found “cornering the elevator man . . . and dragging myself through the hotel.” The model continued:
She’d been taking morphine for 25 years and morphine made her delirious. She told me,
“I want to make love.” She didn’t say “make love,” she used the direct word.
“It’s not because I don’t want to fuck, it’s because I’m ashamed of my body.”
So I think that at this moment (when she was injected with her morphine), she was delivered from her inhibitions, and then, she’d leave her room. Searching. So she explained to me that she started to have herself tied up to her bed. After that she was in her dream and said, “We’ll say goodbye now. Lilou, tie me up.”27
Gabrielle began falling over. She injured her leg, cut her nose, hurt her hand. But she was terribly wary of being treated by the doctors, fearful they would disclose her weakness to the press. (Rumors of Gabrielle’s reduced health had indeed been going around the news offices for some time.) She had a minor stroke, was hospitalized, and felt humiliated at her infirmity. She was becoming very frail.
Her arthritis and rheumatism had made her less nimble; at work she would jab herself with pins. Sucking the injury, she would yell, “Ouch, what was that?” and while she was exhausted and would sometimes say, “There are days I want to drop everything,” the underlying theme was always the same: “I must think of my collection, because that’s the future.” And, of course, as long as there was the possibility of another collection, of working, there was always the possibility of avoiding death.
By 1970, while knowing that it drew nearer, Gabrielle often found the thought of not existing an impossibility. Yet in saying “I don’t believe much in death,” she was contemplating something further: “The soul departs: the ordeal has lasted long enough. For the Hindus it’s merely a transformation . . . “Give up one’s soul to God”—I like that expression . . . what remains of us is what we’ve thought and loved in life.”28
On that Saturday in January 1971, Gabrielle had been particularly irritable with her assistants; she was even short with her devoted Claude Delay. Gabrielle’s collection was almost upon her, and her nerves were raw:
Coco had mood swings all the time. One day she was ruminating and I was there. And she was talking about women: “Nowadays women don’t need men! We’re independent