Come on In! - Charles Bukowski [13]
except for the
panties.
I had never seen
such a
beautiful body.
I began to slip the
panties off but she
said, “no, no, I can TELL
you’re very POTENT, you’ll make
me PREGNANT!”
“well,” I said, “what the hell!”
I rolled over then and went to
sleep.
the next morning
I drove her back to her
Chaparral Poets of
California.
as the weeks and months
went on
her letters kept arriving.
I answered some, then
stopped.
but her letters kept coming.
there wasn’t much news
but many photos: photos of
her children, photos of her,
there was one photo of her
sitting alone on a rock
by the seashore.
then the letters were fewer and
fewer and then they stopped.
add some years
some other women
many changes of address
and one day
a new letter found
its way to
me:
the children were grown
and gone.
her husband had lost his
part of the business, his
partners had knifed
him,
they were going to have to
sell the house.
I answered that
letter.
two or three weeks
passed.
her next letter said
that there was a divorce and
it was final.
she enclosed a photo.
I didn’t know who it
was at first.
182 pounds. she said
she’d been living on
submarine sandwiches and
refried beans and was
looking for a job.
never had a job.
she could only type
23 w.p.m.
she enclosed a small
chapbook of her poems
inscribed “Love.”
I should have fucked her that
long-ago night.
I should have been a
dog.
it would have been one good
night for each of us, especially
for me
stuck between suicide and
insanity
in bed with the beautiful
housewife.
I had never seen a body like
hers before.
now I don’t even have
her letters.
there are nearly a hundred
of them
somewhere
and this is
a sad futile poem
about it
all.
once in a while
it is only
once in a while
that you see
someone whose
electricity
and presence
matches yours
at that
moment
and then
usually it’s
a stranger.
it was 3 or 4
years ago
I was walking on
Sunset Boulevard
toward Vermont
when
a block away
I noticed a
figure moving
toward me.
there was something
in her carriage
and in her walk
which
attracted
me.
as we came
closer
the intensity
increased.
suddenly
I knew her
entire history:
she had lived
all her life
with men
who had never really
known her.
as she approached
I became almost
dizzy.
I could hear her
footsteps as
she approached.
I looked into
her face.
she was as
beautiful
as I had
imagined she
would be.
as we passed
our eyes fucked
and loved and
sang to each
other
and then
she moved
past me.
I walked on
not looking
back.
then
when I looked
back
she was
gone.
what is one
to do
in a world
where almost everything
worth having
or doing
is
impossible?
I went into
a coffee shop
and decided that
if I ever saw
her again somehow
I’d say,
“listen, please,
I just must
speak to
you …”
I never saw her
again
I never will.
the iron in our
society silences
a man’s
heart
and when you
silence a man’s
heart
you leave him
finally
with only
a cock.
another high-roller
I went to Vegas last weekend
I had on that blue dress
low-cut and short
the one you like
and I wore my brown boots
and this guy at the crap table
he kept winning
and he kept feeding me chips
he said I brought him luck.
I won a few hundred but
I swear to Christ he must have
won 40 thousand dollars that
night.
he was a great guy.
he told me,
“don’t go away, we’re going to win
the world! ”
it was some night, believe me.
I’ll never forget it.
you don’t like Vegas, do
you? she asked.
I once got married there,
I said.
and what did you do over the
weekend? she asked.
I waxed my car,
I told her.
the fucking horses
“the fucking horses,” she said, “you keep bringing me
out to these fucking horse races and I lose, god damn it,
it’s all so useless and ignorant, I hate it, I just
hate it!”
her purse had a long strap and she was swinging it
around and around with great velocity.
we were walking out of the track after the
last race.
“I told you,” I said,