Company - Max Barry [38]
But all this is now moot, thanks to two hundred missing sheets of letterhead. On Monday morning, these sheets, fresh from Corporate Supplies, vanished. They could be replaced for a little under three dollars, but Credit's manager declared the theft to be not merely criminal but an assault on that most sacred of principles: teamwork. He issued a department-wide demand for the return of the pilfered papers. Inquiries began. Staff were called in for one-on-one discussions. Work records were studied. Desk drawers were opened and their contents carefully sifted through. As the investigation heated up, careless accusations were thrown. Employee morale, already strained from tensions with Human Resources, fell to bitter new lows.
This morning, Credit employees arrive at their desks to find a memo from the manager. It upbraids three people for shoddy work practices, which were uncovered as a by-product of the recent investigation. It stresses the importance of completing two major projects. And finally, off-handedly, it says the manager has located the missing stationery, which he misfiled in his desk, so that matter is closed.
Enraged Credit employees storm the manager's office. The manager is lucky to get to the door in time; he locks it and takes cover behind his desk. As the workers outside shout and bang on the glass wall, he stabs at his phone for Human Resources. He wants to lay off the whole department, he says: all of them, all of them! Human Resources is happy to oblige. Within two minutes, a dozen blue-uniformed Security guards step from the elevators.
By the time the last employee is dragged away and Security has begun to clean up, Human Resources has issued a company-wide voice mail. It announces that Credit has chosen to lay off all but one employee as a cost-saving measure. And since a group of fewer than ten people does not qualify as a department, the entity Credit no longer exists. Forthwith, Credit holds will be issued by Human Resources.
“Where did you go?” Freddy says. “Someone came around to look at your computer. We thought you'd been sacked.”
“Someone looked at my computer?”
“Yeah, some guy from Security. But it turns out he was just installing new drivers.”
Jones says, “How do you know?”
“That's what he said.”
“Did he install anything on your computers? Holly?”
“You know, Freddy's right,” Holly says, heading for the watercooler. “You are getting paranoid.”
“Don't you think it's weird that—” He stops himself. “Sorry. You're right. Sorry.”
Freddy waits until Holly's left. “Speaking of weird, I heard you went for a ride with Eve Jantiss!” He smiles. It looks painful.
“Uh, yeah.”
“Wow.” Freddy shakes his head. “I have no idea how you managed that.”
Jones realizes that this is as close as Freddy can bring himself to asking what the hell Jones is up to. “Oh, I just, you know, we got to talking about those flowers, and she thought maybe I'd sent them to her, and I said no—”
“She thought you'd sent them? But I started sending her flowers before you even got hired.”
Jones starts to sweat. “Oh. Well, that's weird.”
“How could she think they were from you?”
“I guess—anyway, I said they weren't, but I might know who sent them. And she was like, ‘You have to tell me.' I didn't, of course”—Jones injects, because Freddy now looks to be on the verge of