Company - Max Barry [41]
“Uh . . . I guess, no. I thought it was strange . . . but everyone was calling me Jones, so I just went with it.”
Tom nods, satisfied. “It's early days yet. But we are seeing potentially significant downward trends in nonbusiness watercooler and phone chatter.”
There is an approving murmur at this. Jones sees Eve smile at Tom appreciatively and feels a stab of surprising, stupid jealousy.
“Good, good. Mona, make a note of that?”
“Got it.” She begins to murmur into something that looks a little like a tape recorder but, Jones has no doubt, is probably also able to organize her calendar, unlock her car, and place phone calls.
“Next. Jones. Jones?”
“Yes, sir.”
“What have you got for me?”
Jones feels everyone's eyes on him. “You mean like, a project idea?”
There are a few chuckles. Blake, across the table, laughs a little louder and longer than Jones feels is really necessary. “Yes,” Klausman says. “That's what you're here for.”
Jones clears his throat. “Well, obviously I'm new to all this, so I don't know exactly what you're after . . . but I was thinking of doing something about smoking.” He leaves a little pause, just in case anyone wants to jump in with, We already have a project on smoking, Jones, or Not again, every damn new guy wants to do something about smoking. “As I'm sure you're aware, the average company loses 5.7 days per year for every employee who smokes, due to the additional breaks they take. It's illegal to discriminate against them, but companies that reduce smoking in their workforce will see a productivity increase. Not to mention, of course, the health benefits.”
“Right,” Tom says. “We pay higher premiums for smokers.”
“Ah, yes, there's that, too,” Jones says. “So my first idea is to reward nonsmokers with additional vacation time for not taking smoking breaks—say, a day per year.”
Across the table, Blake interjects, “Or we could just penalize smokers a vacation day. Or make them work overtime.”
“Well . . . no. Because that would be illegal.” Jones doesn't want to get into a pissing match with Blake, so resists the impulse to add something inflammatory, like: obviously.
Eve says, “Zing!”
“Also,” Jones says, pressing ahead, “this way you get buy-in from the staff. Plenty of nonsmokers feel aggrieved that smokers get extra breaks during the day. This will make them feel justified about their outrage, and more willing to speak out about it, which increases peer pressure on smokers to quit. It's kind of inflammatory, but given the benefits, including to the smokers themselves, I think it's justified.”
Eve smiles. “Is this guy good or what?”
“My other thought,” Jones says, gaining confidence, “is to create a designated smoking area. Currently people hang out in two or three groups near the exits.”
“Wait,” Tom says. “How does this help discourage smoking?”
“We put up little mock fences and a sign that says Smokers' Corral,” Jones says. “So it's socially embarrassing.”
There's a ripple of laughter. “I like it,” Klausman says. “I can see you'll fit right in here, Jones.” He ponders for a moment. “I want you to do it. But with the vacation days, don't make an official announcement. We'll just spread the rumor that the company is considering it. As for the Corral, I think we should be able to set something up near the backup generator, yes?”
Blake says, “I can put a request in to Infrastructure Management.”
“Excellent!” Klausman smacks his lips. “Now, all this talk of smoking is giving me cravings.”
“Me, too,” Eve says. “And I quit a year ago.”
“What say we take a recess,” Klausman says, standing, “and pick this up in ten.”
Megan, the Training Sales PA, staggers through the glass doors of the level 17 gymnasium. She's wearing a big, baggy tracksuit that's stuck to her skin with what feels like a gallon of frozen sweat. Her heart is thumping so hard she can feel it in her ears. This morning Megan decided to walk to work. When the Zephyr building drew within sight,