Confederacy of Dunces, A - John Kennedy Toole [22]
“What are you doing? Are you fooling with that valve again? Nobody else got him a valve but you. I ain’t got no valve.”
“Everyone has a valve!” Ignatius screamed. “Mine is simply more developed. I am trying to open a passage which you have succeeded in blocking. It may be permanently closed now for all I know.”
“Mr. Mancuso says if you work you can help me pay off the man. He says he thinks the man might take the money in installments.”
“Your friend the patrolman says a great deal. You certainly bring people out, as they say. I never suspected that he could be so loquacious or that he was capable of such perceptive comment. Do you realize that he is trying to destroy our home? It began the moment that he attempted that brutal arrest in front of D. H. Holmes. Although you are too limited to comprehend it all, Mother, this man is our nemesis. He’s spun our wheel downward.”
“Wheel? Mr. Mancuso is a good man. You oughta be glad he didn’t take you in!”
“In my private apocalypse he will be impaled upon his own nightstick. Anyway, it is inconceivable that I should get a job. I am very busy with my work at the moment, and I feel that I am entering a very fecund stage. Perhaps the accident jarred and loosened my thought. At any rate, I accomplished a great deal today.”
“We gotta pay that man, Ignatius. You wanna see me in jail? Wouldn’t you be ashamed with your poor momma behind bars?”
“Will you please stop talking about imprisonment? You seem to be preoccupied with the thought. Actually, you seem to enjoy thinking about it. Martyrdom is meaningless in our age.” He belched quietly. “I would suggest certain economies around the house. Somehow you will soon see that you have the required amount.”
“I spend all the money on you for food and whatnots.”
“I have found several empty wine bottles about lately, the contents of which I certainly did not consume.”
“Ignatius!”
“I made the mistake of heating the oven the other day before inspecting it properly. When I opened it to put in my frozen pizza, I was almost blinded by a bottle of broiled wine that was preparing to explode. I suggest that you divert some of the monies that you are pouring into the liquor industry.”
“For shame, Ignatius. A few bottles of Gallo muscatel, and you with all them trinkets.”
“Will you please define the meaning of trinkets?” Ignatius snapped.
“All them books. That gramaphone. That trumpet I bought you last month.”
“I consider the trumpet a good investment, although our neighbor, Miss Annie, does not. If she beats on my shutters again, I’ll pour water on her.”
“Tomorrow we looking at the want ads in the paper. You gonna dress up and go find you a job.”
“I am afraid to ask what your idea of ‘dressing up’ is. I will probably be turned into an utter mockery.”
“I’m gonna iron you a nice white shirt and you gonna put on one of your poppa’s nice ties.”
“Do I believe what I am hearing?” Ignatius asked his pillow.
“It’s either that, Ignatius, or I gotta take out a mortgage. You wanna lose the roof over your head?”
“No! You will not mortgage this house.” He pounded a great paw into the mattress. “The whole sense of security which I have been trying to develop would crumble. I will not have any disinterested party controlling my domicile. I couldn’t stand it. Just the thought of it makes my hands break out.”
He extended a paw so that his mother could examine the rash.
“That is out of the question,” he continued. “It would bring all of my latent anxieties to a head, and the result, I fear, would be very ugly indeed. I would not want you to have to spend the remainder of your life caring for a lunatic locked away somewhere in the attic. We shall not mortgage the house. You must have some funds somewhere.”
“I got a hundred fifty in the Hibernia Bank.”
“My God, is that all? I hardly thought that we were existing so precariously. However, it is fortunate that you have kept this from me. Had I known how close we were to total penury, my nerves would have given out long ago.” Ignatius scratched his paws. “I must