Confederacy of Dunces, A - John Kennedy Toole [71]
“Don’t get me wrong, son. I ain’t a bad guy, but you can only take so much. I spent ten years trying to make Paradise Vendors a reputable organization, but that ain’t easy. People look down on hot dog vendors. They think I operate a business for bums. I got trouble finding decent vendors. Then when I find some nice guy, he goes out and gets himself mugged by hoodlums. How come God had to make it so tough for you?”
“We must not question His ways,” Ignatius said.
“Maybe not, but I still don’t get it.”
“The writings of Boethius may give you some insight.”
“I read Father Keller and Billy Graham in the paper every single day.”
“Oh, my God!” Ignatius spluttered. “No wonder you are so lost.”
“Here,” the old man said, opening a metal locker near the stove. “Put this on.”
He took what looked like a white smock out of the locker and handed it to Ignatius.
“What is this?” Ignatius asked happily. “It looks like an academic gown.”
Ignatius slipped it over his head. On top of his overcoat, the smock made him look like a dinosaur egg about to hatch.
“Tie it at the waist with the belt.”
“Of course not. These things are supposed to freely flow about the human form, although this one seems to provide little leeway. Are you sure that you don’t have one in a larger size?
“Upon close scrutiny, I notice that this gown is rather yellow about the cuffs. I hope these stains about the chest are ketchup rather than blood. The last wearer of this might have been stabbed by hoodlums.”
“Here, put on this cap.” The man gave Ignatius a little rectangle of white paper.
“I am certainly not wearing a paper cap. The one that I have is perfectly good and far more healthful.”
“You can’t wear a hunting cap. This is the Paradise vendor’s uniform.”
“I will not wear that paper cap! I am not going to die of pneumonia while playing this little game for you. Plunge the fork into my vital organs, if you wish. I will not wear that cap. Death before dishonor and disease.”
“Okay, drop it,” the old man sighed. “Come on and take this cart here.”
“Do you think that I am going to be seen on the streets with that damaged abomination?” Ignatius asked furiously, smoothing the vendor’s smock over his body. “Give me that shiny one with the white sidewall tires.”
“Awright, awright,” the old man said testily. He opened the lid on the little well in the cart and with a fork slowly began transferring hot dogs from the pot to the little well in the cart. “Now I give you a dozen hot dogs.” He opened another lid in the top of the metal bun. “I’m putting a package of buns in here. Got that?” He closed that lid and pulled upon a little side door cut in the shining red tin dog. “In here they got a little can of liquid heat keeps the hot dogs warm.”
“My God,” Ignatius said with some respect. “These carts are like Chinese puzzles. I suspect that I will continually be pulling at the wrong opening.”
The old man opened still another lid cut in the rear of the hot dog.
“What’s in there? A machine gun?”
“The mustard and ketchup’s in here.”
“Well, I shall give this a brave try, although I may sell someone the can of liquid heat before I get too far.”
The old man rolled the cart to the door of the garage and said, “Okay, buddy, go ahead.”
“Thank you so much,” Ignatius replied and wheeled the big tin hot dog out onto the sidewalk. “I will be back promptly in an hour.”
“Get off the sidewalk with that thing.”
“I hope that you don’t think I am going out into traffic.”
“You can get yourself arrested for pushing one of them things on the sidewalk.”
“Good,” Ignatius said. “If the police follow me, they might prevent a robbery.”
Ignatius pushed slowly away from the headquarters of Paradise Vendors through the heavy pedestrian traffic that moved to either side of the big hot dog like waves on a ship’s prow. This was a better way of passing time than seeing personnel managers, several of whom, Ignatius thought, had treated him rather viciously in the last few days. Since the movie houses were now off limits due to lack of funds, he would have had to drift, bored and