Confessions of a GP - Benjamin Daniels [25]
I couldn’t quite comprehend what he was telling me over the phone, but as I arrived I saw that he was quite right. The material of the sofa and the sores on his bottom had become one. It was impossible to see where Mr Hogden ended and the sofa began. It was not a pretty sight and he had the same pleading look in his eyes that I had witnessed during the maggot incident. He was in a great deal of pain and I was feeling helpless again. I couldn’t believe that he had let his sores get so bad without calling anyone. He really needed to go into hospital but this was easier said than done. The first job was to cut him out of the sofa, which required a fair bit of teamwork, a set of garden shears and a very strong stomach. The next task was the more difficult job of physically getting Mr Hogden to hospital. I had ordered a specially reinforced ambulance with a strengthened trolley but, unfortunately, despite best efforts, Mr Hogden just couldn’t be fitted through the door. Four paramedics, a nurse, a medical student (I had to bring him along to show him that general practice wasn’t boring), several of Mr Hogden’s neighbours and I all tried to find different angles or ideas to get him out of the bungalow. In the end the fire brigade had to be called to cut out a wider door. They were reluctant and made Mr Hogden sign a disclaimer promising that he wouldn’t try to sue them for damaging his bungalow. Eventually, we got Mr Hogden to hospital. The next day my placement ended and I’ve no idea what happened to him. I hope he’s lost some weight and perhaps gained some quality of life.
Small talk
Drew was a very good-looking guy. He was in his early twenties with big muscles, perfectly chiselled features, blonde hair, blue eyes and a probably fake but nonetheless healthy-looking tan.
‘I’ve got a painful testicle, Doctor. Wondered if you’d have a look at it.’
I was the only male doctor to have worked at this practice for over a year and my first few days were spent seeing a queue of relieved men worried about their genitalia. Some had been worried about their ‘bits’ for months but had been too embarrassed to expose themselves to one of the female doctors.
So there I was, gently rolling Drew’s testes between my fingers, looking for lumps. It can be a slightly uncomfortable situation for the patient in every sense of the word, so I decided to try to make a bit of small talk to put him at ease.
‘So Drew, what do you do for a living?’
‘I’m a film actor.’
‘I thought you looked familiar. Have you been in anything I might have seen?’
‘That depends, Dr Daniels, I only really do gay porn.’
‘Ah, probably not then, no. You…erm…must have one of those familiar-looking faces I guess. Definitely wouldn’t have seen you in a film. Nothing against porn or anything, except the degradation of women and all that…well, not many women in your films, I should imagine…’
There was now only one person in the room who was uncomfortable and it wasn’t Drew. I really should remember to limit my small talk topics to the weather and city centre parking problems.’
Notes
It is always drummed into us how important it is for us to keep clear, coherent and detailed medical notes. These are apparently real extracts from medical notes. They have been doing the rounds as an e-mail.
She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.