Cool, Calm & Contentious - Merrill Markoe [102]
ACT 3: REHAB
Every form of media steps up to offer support when a fallen celebrity moves into this important reinvention stage—to say nothing of the additional fame and opportunity that become available if they qualify as a series regular on a show like Celebrity Rehab. And the “problem” for which they “take full responsibility” is no longer limited to substance abuse per se, since “addiction to fame” opened the door to a new range of ideas for addictions. The sky is the limit now.
If Bill W. had been developing Alcoholics Anonymous in 2011, he no doubt would have called it Proud Alcoholics United, since no intelligent addict today wants to remain anonymous if he can get a spotlight and credit for his struggle.
Having accomplished Act 3, a special few will elect to move to Act 4.
ACT 4: RUNNING FOR OFFICE
With the presence of grassroots political organizations like the Tea Party, it has become even easier to make this last-ditch leap into politics than in the past. And as time goes on, there will no doubt be as many other grassroots leaping-off spots for political fame as there are reality shows and rehabs. Since everyone in the spotlight will also have a résumé full of the pursuit of fame and crime, neither will be considered any kind of career detriment.
I guess the circle will be complete when we see the creation of the Federal Penitentiary for the Performing Arts, a combination prison and entertainment-development facility where fallen celebrities will recover and new platforms for publicity will be born. What a website it will have! What an infinite source of show premises, political candidates, and entertainers! So successful will it be that its main problem will be keeping the ever-growing population from overwhelming the population of the rest of the country, thus leading to some kind of celebrity inflation.
By the time that happens, most of us will be celebrities or former celebrities or related to celebrities or the victims of celebrities or all of the above. But probably by then, the people who have never had a show, committed a crime, or created an online profile will be the new stars: people about whom nothing is known will be the only ones who interest the rest of us.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Thanks to my wonderful agent Melanie Jackson, and to the great Andy Ward, an astute, dedicated, and tireless editor. Also thanks to the meticulous and helpful Beth Pearson and Bonnie Thompson. Thanks, too, to Bill Scheft, Adrianne Tolsch, Wendy Liebman, April Winchell, Larry Amoros, Cory Kahaney, Larry David, and George Meyer for letting me borrow their jokes. And enormous amounts of gratitude to Andy Prieboy for his patience and his very smart notes, as well as to Puppyboy, Jimmy, Ginger, and Hedda for their continually inspiring behavior. Finally, thanks to my parents, who I hope have found a way to have a sense of humor about all of this wherever they may be in the great beyond.
ALSO BY MERRILL MARKOE
Nose Down, Eyes Up
Walking in Circles Before Lying Down
The Psycho Ex Game (with Andy Prieboy)
What the Dogs Have Taught Me
It’s My F—ing Birthday
How to Be Hap-Hap-Happy Like Me!
Merrill Markoe’s Guide to Love
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Emmy Award–winning writer MERRILL MARKOE lives in Los Angeles, California, the garden spot of America, with four dogs and a man. She has authored three books of humorous essays and the novels Nose Down, Eyes Up; Walking in Circles Before Lying Down; and It’s My F—ing Birthday and co-authored (with Andy Prieboy) the novel The Psycho Ex Game. A lot of additional information about her—including a long bio, goofy videos, etc.—can be found at merrillmarkoe.com. After great amounts of hesitation, she is also on Facebook. But since she thinks about pulling the page down on a daily basis, check fast.