Cool, Calm & Contentious - Merrill Markoe [29]
Of course, it was all a moot point because there were no Charlie Brown, Metro bus driver, or even Amtrak uniforms at the one costume store that was still open on the sweltering Friday afternoon before the big event. Since I had let things slide until the last possible minute, I had backed myself into the corner of this empty store and now had to face down its underwhelming inventory. Nestled among the generic beards, mustaches, false eyelashes, and superhero outfits, I now had my choice of Power Rangers, Disney princesses, and costumes related to Shrek. The single-digit age recommendations on the boxes for these things meant that none was going to be a very good fit for me.
Of course, there were also the “adult” costumes, which ran more along the lines of “Haight-Ashbury Honey”—a “far-out, fringe-trimmed crop top with bodacious bubble design, matching bell bottoms, and a hip and happenin’ headband.” A half dozen thin, reflective fuchsia-colored pieces of plastic would transform me into “one fun, foxy mamma who will have all the disco dudes ready to move,” which, I supposed, was Fetish Glam, as long as my fetish was “Sad Cheap Retro Halloween Costumes That Never Sold.” Or I could buy one of those mini nurse/go-go dancer uniforms just like the ones the Red Cross nurses all wore that time a hurricane hit a brothel and everyone had to take refuge in an S&M dungeon.
Waist-deep in a murky stew of anxiety and modesty, I realized that my only truly viable choice seemed to be a black velveteen Vampira gown with an attached hood. Its dark color might afford me some camouflage, allowing me to vanish into the ballroom décor like a fuzzy black sconce. On the other hand, it could have the opposite effect, since no self-respecting vampires of the twenty-first century ever seem to be caught undead in this type of getup anymore. Even with their lower body temperatures and superhuman powers, the vampires of Twilight and True Blood would hardly deign to spend an eighty-five-degree evening in a bell-sleeved, floor-length, black-hooded, polyester-blend gown in Los Angeles in July.
By now, the store was closing. I really didn’t feel like doing any more shopping. So I bought the damn thing and brought it home.
The next night, I put it on, resigned to grinning and bearing it. And I did … for about five minutes. That was how long it took for me to feel the rivers of sweat coursing down the length of my body, from armpits to ankles. Even though looking hot always ranks at the top of costume ball criteria, this was definitely not the hot that anyone hopes to achieve.
Which left only one other category option: leather.
I owned a gray leather skirt, a black leather jacket, and brown leather boots. None of them matched. And the combination looked more preppy than dominatrix. But, fingers crossed, once I passed through the leather detectors, I would at least be able to take the jacket off without being in violation of any fetish laws.
So I leathered up and then off I went … tra la la lala. Just a girl in eighty-five-degree weather dressed in enough leather to keep her warm in a Minnesota winter, headed for something called the Fetish Ball all by my FUCKING SELF.
The panic didn’t set in for real until I joined the line of cars stretching halfway down the block, slowly inching forward to enter the parking lot. After the car ahead of me stopped to drop off six bare-butted men, I wanted to scream to the valet who opened my door, “How much would you charge to come inside with me and pretend to be my date? Whatever it is, I’ll pay it! Seriously, dude. Name your price!”
Instead I composed myself, and moments later, flanked by a guy in chaps and another in a polyvinyl cop uniform, I strode boldly through the Hollywood Athletic Club front doors, wearing fifteen pounds of leather and at least fifty pounds of perspiration.
Well, to be more accurate, I strode boldly to a security desk by the door, where I waited as my full bottle of Evian was thrown into the garbage by two unfriendly men who glared at me icily. They then proceeded to search every