Cool, Calm & Contentious - Merrill Markoe [92]
This led me to another gender-related moment: leave it to a group of women to all be able to have a meaningful personal revelation in the space of just seventy-two hours when called upon to do so.
Quite a few women had been inspired by the daughter, mother, grandmother triad traveling together who seemed to be genuinely enjoying each other’s company. For my part, I had been watching this reunion as though I was Margaret Mead, observing the customs of a miraculous and magical family unit utterly unlike my own. Mainly I was astonished by Michelle, the granddaughter, who answers the question “What inspires you?” with “I know people who hate their parents. And hate their birthdays. And hate getting old. But I look at my mother and my grandmother and I think, ‘How can I not look forward to that next stage?’ ” Amazing, I thought, unable to remember having had a single moment like the one she was describing, trying not to dwell on images of my frequently unhappy mother and depressed grandmother.
Then I thought about Ashley, my horror-movie star, and her real origin became clearer as I realized her harsh message of terror and doom should have been buried with the rest of my unhappy female relatives. At the very least, it seemed like a smart idea for me to insist that she change film genres. Time to force-feed Ashley some new movie plots or stop inviting her altogether.
Back in the circle, it was now time for Cheryl, the math teacher, to take the talking stick. “I had a really bad childhood,” she said, starting to cry, “and I probably would have killed myself in high school if I hadn’t met Tammy.” She was talking about her best friend, who was sitting next to her and for whom she had purchased this outing as a birthday present. “This trip really opened things up for me,” said Cheryl. “I’m going back to school tomorrow with a whole different outlook on life.”
Next the talking stick was handed off to Cindy, the woman who had wept when she was asked to relax. Not so surprisingly, she was weeping again. “I’m going to be really vulnerable, you guys,” she said. “I don’t handle female friendship well.” This surprised me. From a distance, Cindy seemed easygoing and gregarious, the kind of woman for whom female bonding was invented. “I wanted to come on this trip and be liked and accepted and make some friends,” she said. “I’m trying to learn not to be so judgmental.” Now she turned to look at Susan Ann. “Like at the beginning, I saw you and I thought, ‘Oh God. She’s going to get out her crystals.’ ” Susan Ann smiled beatifically as Cindy now turned to me. “And I saw Merrill acting all nervous and concerned about flooding and storms and I thought, ‘She’s going to get hurt and freak everyone out.’ But I ended up liking you both.”
Hey, wait a minute, I thought, a little humiliated by this revelation. YOU were judging ME? Who the hell are you to judge me? Ashley and me, we’re the ones who judge YOU! And by the away, where the hell is that damn Ashley when I actually need her support? That was when it occurred to me that, for the first time since I was fifteen, I had forgotten to wear any eyeliner.
When the dreaded talking stick got to me, I didn’t want to speak. But I also didn’t want to ruin an emotional evening for everyone else. So I said a few words about how courageous everyone was to leave their usual routines and try something different by taking a trip like this. Then I realized I had done that, too.
DAY FIVE
Leave it to me to not get around to the coolest, most fun thing until the last day. I’m referring to the paddle boat, the option I elected not to take from day one. It was the only raft where all the passengers rowed and wore helmets. All along people had been advising me to try it, but I was refusing to listen.
I can live without all that extra work, I thought.
But today, I finally got on board. Though I’m embarrassed to admit that the reason it happened is not because I was more filled with esprit de corps. It was because I was so busy talking to Cheryl and Tammy that I missed my chance to board