Cordelia's Honor - Lois McMaster Bujold [182]
"Please don't break my secretary, Drou, the repairs are expensive," said Aral mildly.
"Oh!" She whirled away, releasing Koudelka. He staggered and fell to his knees. Hands over her face, biting her fingers, she stomped out the door, slamming it behind her. Only then did she sob, sharp breaths retreating up the hallway. Another door slammed. Silence.
"I'm sorry, Kou," said Aral into the long lull. "But it doesn't look as though your self-accusation stands up in court."
"I don't understand." Kou shook his head, crawled after his swordstick, and climbed very shakily to his feet.
"Do I gather you are both talking about what happened between you the night of the soltoxin attack?" Cordelia asked.
"Yes, Milady. I was sitting up in the library. Couldn't sleep, thought I'd run over some figures. She came in. We sat, talked. . . . Suddenly I found myself . . . well . . . it was the first time I'd been functional since I was hit by the nerve disruptor. I thought it might be another year, or forever—I panicked, I just panicked. I . . . took her . . . right there. Never asked, never said a word. And then came the crash from upstairs, and we both ran out into the back garden and . . . she never accused me, next day. I waited and waited."
"But if he didn't rape her, why did she get so angry just now?" asked Aral.
"But she's been mad," said Koudelka. "The looks she's given me, these last three weeks . . ."
"The looks were fear, Kou," Cordelia advised him.
"Yes, that's what I thought."
"Because she was afraid she was pregnant, not because she was afraid of you," Cordelia clarified.
"Oh." Koudelka's voice went small.
"She's not, as it happens." (Kou echoed himself with another small "Oh.") "But she's mad at you now, and I don't blame her."
"But if she doesn't think I—what reason?"
"You don't see it?" She frowned at Aral. "You either?"
"Well . . ."
"It's because you just insulted her, Kou. Not then, but right now, in this room. And not just in slighting her combat prowess. What you just said revealed to her, for the first time, that you were so intent on yourself that night, you never saw her at all. Bad, Kou. Very bad. You owe her a profound apology. Here she was, giving her Barrayaran all to you, and you so little appreciated what she was doing, you didn't even perceive it."
His head came up suddenly. "Gave me? Like some charity?"
"Gift of the gods, more like," murmured Aral, lost in some appreciation of his own.
"I'm not a—" Koudelka's head swiveled toward the door. "Are you saying I should run after her?"
"Crawl, actually, if I were you," recommended Aral. "Crawl fast. Slither under her door, go belly-up, let her stomp on you till she gets it out of her system. Then apologize some more. You may yet save the situation." Aral's eyes were openly alight with amusement now.
"What do you call that? Total surrender?" said Kou indignantly.
"No. I'd call it winning." His voice grew a shade cooler. "I've seen the war between men and women descend to scorched-earth heroics. Pyres of pride. You don't want to go down that road. I guarantee it."
"You're—Milady! You're laughing at me! Stop!"
"Then stop making yourself ridiculous," said Cordelia sharply. "Get your head out of your ass. Think for sixty consecutive seconds about somebody besides yourself."
"Milady. Milord." His teeth were gritted now with frozen dignity. He bowed himself out, well slapped. But he turned the wrong way in the hallway, the opposite direction to which Droushnakovi had fled, and clattered down the end stairs.
Aral shook his head helplessly, as Koudelka's footsteps faded. A splutter escaped him.
Cordelia punched him softly on the arm. "Stop that! It's not funny to them." Their eyes met; she sniggered, then caught her breath firmly. "Good heavens, I think he wanted to be a rapist. Odd ambition. Has he been hanging around with Bothari too much?"
This slightly sick joke sobered them both. Aral looked